The Journey of a Thousand Miles.....yadda yadda yadda

Ok so I haven't posted anything since November. Where do I start? I've been thinking a lot lately about schools. The school we have Riley in is amazing and I couldn't ask for more and I really believe in what they're doing. And although I'm no expert and I do believe different types of schools can make a difference for different children, I haven't heard any raving reviews about any other schools here locally lately. I've talked to a couple of other mommy cohorts about the schools they have their little ones in and it amazes me to hear the things I do. One wasn't happy because her son wasn't being challenged enough. Upon a little more conversation I find out her son doesn't know a thing about alphabetical order in the middle of first grade. Another one was upset because her daughter was still doing things that were way too easy for her in kindergarten. Through all of this I just kept thinking how grateful I am for finding the school we did. I'm still a little worried about whether or not Jack is going to be ready for kindergarten at the younger age or not. He is SO close to the cutoff date and still is pretty immature in a school readiness sense even now in preschool. But we will just have to wait and see what will be best for him come next year at registration time. No sense in pushing a decision when he still has a year to mature, right?

I have also been thinking about seasons of my life a lot lately. In a couple of different ways I think I've been WAY off balance here. I'm living too much in my past seasons and not enough in my current one. And comparing the two. I really need to find out more of what my current season has to offer. Also I'm pushing away winter. I can see spring just ahead and I'm really eager to get there. I've even felt a few warm spring-like days lately and I'm getting really impatient for the change to just happen already, which just throws me farther back into winter. I need to be more patient with myself and just be where I am knowing I have the intention of moving forward slowly.
(I don't know if that'll make sense to people but we shall see )

Figuring out what I need my purpose in life to be has been a fun one too lately. I won't go in depth with the thought process again but it's been there, burning a hole in my brain and I still don't have it figured out. I'm sure I will in due time, I'm just not there yet.

But in the meantime I think I am going to try to make rice krispy treats with the kiddos tomorrow and just be happy for where I am, and try to remember that one saying that goes something like.....the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.....or whatever it is. I'm just going to be happy for where I am tomorrow. And at that I bid you goodnight
TTFN

Doggies

So we had a really scary experience with Brogan today. He was sitting by the stairs after lunch as my parents were getting ready to leave and just looking.....not well. So I approached him to try to see what was wrong, and he was shaking pretty bad. Then he started groaning. So I got him to come lay down on the floor while I was calling CSU vet hospital and he wouldn't relax his back legs and he was still shaking and groaning. So I got everything set up to take him in, put Winny in her kennel (she was NOT happy to be left behind and let us know that very loudly as we left), and got Brogan in the car. Of course by the time we get to the dang hospital he is perfectly fine.......Damn Dogs.......But I'm relieved that he is ok and we still had them do an exam on him to make sure and they had 2 docs look at him and it probably cost us less than a normal vet visit so I guess I can't complain too much. Everybody there gushed over him too because he is such a well behaved, laid back, handsome little man and he stole everybody's hearts like he always does. I love my puppies :)

a late night rant

I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related.  I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much. 
TTFN

Changes on the Horizon

Ok so it's been a few months since I've posted anything. There is a LOT going on right now.

Riley just got done with preschool! I will have a Kindergartener in the fall! I'm so excited for her and so nervous at the same time. We got into one of the schools we chose for her, Liberty Common, it's a Charter School here in Fort Collins. It is becoming a 12 year school too so she and Jack will be there through high school if all goes according to plan. Riley also rode her bike by herself with no training wheels the other day! It was just a short ride but I was SO proud of her for even taking that chance. She is growing up so fast. I am giving her and my two nephews violin lessons this summer. I've only given her one so far but she is very excited and I think she will do well as long as I can get her to focus.

Jack is going to be starting preschool in the fall. He is so excited he can't see straight. He asks me to tell him about his new school every night when he goes to bed. He is a little monkey! He is so active and all over the place and half the time I just don't know what to do with him. We've been going through a finger smashing phase lately. First he got them caught in the hinge of the dryer door. Then a couple of days later got them slammed in the car door. We got to go to the doctor for that one. He was fine but I freaked out! And it's just been more of the same for the past two weeks. This morning Riley closed his finger in her bedroom door! I just hope he makes it to preschool with all of his fingers at this point.

Kevin is still working at HP. He finally got going on the upstairs bathroom and after sooooo long waiting the end is in sight. He has pretty much rebuilt the entire bathroom and I am so proud of him. This week we will be able to put the floor in and then we will be on to tiling the shower which is the last major project! He is such a patient, kind, loving, amazing man and I am so lucky to be able to share my life with him.

I am feeling more like my old self than I have in a long time. I'm not recovered by any means, but farther along in recovery than I have ever been. I still have hard times, and I still expect to for a while, but I can cope with them better now and it doesn't take weeks to get over one bad day. I just noticed the other day that I was really there, really present, when we went to the park to teach Riley to ride her bike, and it was amazing and I was so thankful for that. I have just floated by in such a zombie state for so long now, and I feel like I've missed so much. I was glad just to be there for that. I'm becoming more that way every day too.

I have a new friend. Her name is Jackie, and she is my angel. She is just an amazing person and she helps me SO much and she is so easy to talk to I feel like I have known her forever. She and her boyfriend came over tonight for a BBQ and we had a really good time. I feel like she's filled a hole in my life.

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite time of year. I am so ready for the warmth and sunshine. It wasn't even a bad winter and it was just horrid for me. I'm ready to leave it behind. I got some barefoot shoes and I'm going to learn to run in them this summer. I just have to find a time that works for me to do it. But that shouldn't be too hard because I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to go to bed and get ready to give my nephews their first violin lessons tomorrow. :o) I'm so excited!

TTFN

Ok I'm back to wondering why I keep doing this. I'm back to wondering why I try to have friends at all. It's frustrating as hell to me, not to mention depressing, to keep thinking people like me and actually want to be around me, then to continually find out otherwise. Hell I guess it gives me more time for housework, right? Ok maybe I'm just lonely or something but I really, really, REALLY feel at this point that I don't have a single friend that's not in it because they feel bad for me. I guess the cycle continues and again I am at a point in my life where I am an invisible loser. I guess it was bound to happen I just really had the hope that it wouldn't. It just sucks because every single time I start thinking I'm developing a friendship with someone I get so excited, and I just get crushed every single time. This is why I question my husband's love sometimes. I know that sounds pathetic, but how can one man love me so much when obviously the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me? I feel like he's just doing it out of pity too. But I have learned that he is honest and he wouldn't do that so I trust him. I just don't understand it. Anyways I didn't mean this to be a pity me post but hell what does it matter, I'm the only one that reads it anyways. I guess I'm done for now.

TTFN

Education (a really long winded and weird post)

My math isn't the greatest, but I think it was somewhere around the '95-'96 school year that I started middle school. My middle school was a 2 year track 7th/8th grade. When I started my 7th grade year I had no idea of the roller coaster I was in for. I had a really hard time adjusting and began experiencing what I now know to be an epic depression that I am still fighting to this day. My grades dropped, I became bitchy and distant, and this eventually led to me giving up on school all together and dropping out of high school. The question I have is how did it happen and how could it have happened differently? I will not ask who is to blame as I believe blame is trivial and stupid and no one entity is ever entirely at fault for anything. So how did it happen? Well, It happened because even though I was having issues that were entirely beyond my reach I never really talked to anybody about them and they kept festering. I had a couple of teachers that really reached out to me and tried SO hard to help. They asked what would work for me, listened, and really did everything they could to help me succeed. And those strategies worked....for those couple of classes. Unfortunately by this point in education you have a lot more than a couple of classes to contend with, and the teachers never really talked amongst each other to try to band together to help me. Is this their job? I'm not sure. Would it have helped me? Most likely, yes. Is this the only way it could have happened differently? No. There are a lot of things I think of looking back. Getting into counseling sooner to deal with the depression would have, but I don't blame my parents, I don't think they even knew at this point that depression was the problem. I never told them that I was teased for so many years through elementary school, either. This might have been part of the reason the depression started in the first place. But I was too embarrassed to say anything. My lack of organization has always been an issue in in too, and I could have asked for more help with this. I didn't because I didn't realize it was ok to ask for help and not look like a total loser.

I am sitting here pondering these things because my daughter is going to start kindergarten next year and I am so scared of history repeating itself I can't see straight. She's in preschool right now and I can't even watch her play on the playground because it's too painful for me to look back and see myself out there, sitting alone on the monkey bars, sad and lonely. I don't think she is, but there have been a couple of times I have seen her out there playing by herself and I just lose it. I want to run out there and be with her and help her, even though it's me, not her, that needs it.

I've also been examining my beliefs about our public school system. I don't think it's fair to completely lay blame on the schools for producing only a 30-40% success rate, but I don't think it's fair to not blame them at all either. There are specific things that I really don't like about public education right now. One of them is teachers unions. I think they have absolutely no good reason to be there at all and I think it's hurting academics due to their ideals of all teachers having equality. All teachers are not equal and should not be treated as such. Another thing that I think is really crappy right now is that they just go in there and teach whatever they want to with no regard of what the kid has or has not already learned. Completely scattered academics. People need to build upon what has already been taught, this is why I am such a fan of the core knowledge curriculum. Also the decision not to hold kids back a grade that are obviously not ready to move on just because it will embarrass them. I don't agree and even if all of their friends are in a higher grade what does it matter if it will benefit them in the end. And the earlier you do it the more in stride they will be able to take it.

I also think that it's a problem that parents are not more involved with schools. Education is not a one sided, go to school and learn it, type of deal. Parents have to learn and know how to assist in the education of their kids. It's not just somewhere they send them for the day so someone else can watch them. The reason they're going there is important, and I think a lot more parents need to treat it as such. But I also think that they need to be more involved IN the schools. I know this is not easy because a lot of parents work full time and can't get the time off to do a lot. But there has to be some way for more parents to help and be involved, and I don't think the schools put it out there enough that they need or want that either. Parents need to be more involved on the boards and be able to put their opinions out there too ( I personally don't think unions let that happen much, though.)

So for these reasons, and by the Grace of God that we were actually drawn in the lottery, My kids are going to one of the local Charter Schools that offers a core knowledge curriculum, emphasizes classical education, and character education as well. I know not all charter schools are good, but I truly believe this one is. I also know that just having charter schools is not the answer to a broken system, but for me right now it's all I've got. I hope beyond all hopes that this works out well for us, that my kids thrive and learn and succeed, and are not bullied or made to feel worthless. In the meantime I know what I have to do. I need to figure out how to stop feeling worthless myself. I've done it for so long now it's all I know, and it's easy to do. But I really believe now that my kids deserve more..........and so do I. I just don't know where to start.

TTFN

It's late, and my head is spinning

I hate what elections bring out in me. I've been thinking about so much since the results began to be posted yesterday. For one thing I'm really damn glad Pelosi has been knocked off her throne. I can't stand that woman. I've mostly been thinking about partisanship......and how this political shtuff works......and I know it's necessary for our country to function but I HATE it. I hate the far right, I hate the far left, I hate that they label themselves instead of standing up for what they, individually believe in and have a vague party label. I hate the fact that more and more of our politicians, no matter what their party affiliation, have their own agenda and don't really give a crap about America and Americans and what it even means to be an American. Instead it is a game of dollar signs. I don't trust any of them and I don't really want to vote for any of them because I don't believe in any of them. It is just a lesser of two evils.

It makes me want to cry to even think of my children's future. For one thing what the hell are schools going to look like in another ten or even twenty years. We keep throwing more and more money at them and yet things still keep getting worse and worse. My personal belief is it is because people are greedy and won't put in what it really takes to get results and/or because they don't believe they are paid enough. Don't get me wrong, I think teachers are wonderful people and I have met some amazing ones in my lifetime, but are some/a lot of them just quieting their consciences by telling themselves they are doing a good thing by being a teacher and getting paid a crappy salary, therefore they don't go above and beyond because it's not in their contract and they are already doing a good thing? I don't know, but I'd bet there are at least some out there.

Another thing about schools that drives me crazy is shit like this......We have like 5 schools on the chopping block in Fort Collins, yet others have 52 inch flat screens in every classroom to replace overhead projectors. TECHNOLOGY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO EDUCATION!!!! I understand that kids need to use it but geez people there is absolutely nothing wrong with overhead projectors. How much money is that, that could have gone to another school that needed it for basic funding.

Look at how much our country is in debt. I feel like that pretty much says we don't even own our country anymore. Trillions of dollars is a bit ridiculous. Then again I have a couple of thousand on my credit card and I hyperventilate. It reminds me of a saying. When you find yourself in a hole what's the first thing you do? STOP DIGGING! Granted I know our country needs to spend money to operate but what is the point in passing stimuluses and other Government aid when it isn't really even coming from them. Then they just make it harder on everyone else when they raise taxes to try to pay for it. I feel like I have been taxed into a black friggin hole. Eventually I'm going to wonder what's going to be left for me to live on. It seriously scares me.

Ok I know I sound like a rightist right now and I guess to an extent I am. I can't help it. I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. It's their job to protect our rights and liberties. I feel like they're just taking more and more of them away. Telling me nobody has the right to be who they are except the people who are struggling and discriminated against. I want to help people who are struggling and discriminated against, I want to fight for them, but I want it to be of my own free will, not what the government wants to make me do.

I don't want them to tell me it is the law that I have to have health care, I want to do it because it is the best thing for me. I don't want them to parent me. If I want to pay for medical services out of my pocket who the hell are they to stop me. I understand there are people out there that need it and can't afford it but look at what we already have in place. A hospital cannot deny anybody care that is not in stable condition, wether they have coverage or not.

I guess what I'm saying is there are ways for people already to get what they need. So why not focus on helping people who need it figure that out. Help them help themselves. Encourage people to stand on their own two feet. I think there are some government programs that do things like this that are great.

I guess I just really think the meaning of being free is changing. Hard work doesn't pay off as much anymore. You can actually get farther on handouts and it is (but not to me) socially acceptable.....and that is sad.

How is it that more and more people are going to college and getting higher education yet they say we're falling behind other countries, that we're just not cutting it?

And just working hard won't get you through college. You HAVE to go into debt just to get through college. Why does money have to be in the equation to be happy. How is it that nobody that is poor is ever shown as happy or fulfilled and ALWAYS shown in need of help? I just can't see that as being true. You can be the happiest person in the world and live in a cardboard box. I believe that.

I have so many more questions than I have answers for and it really pisses me off that everything seems so much more complicated than it needs to be sometimes. Notice please that I said SEEMS, not IS. I'm sure when you get down to the root of it, it is all very simple. But I don't think I will ever see that root because of all the twists to the truth that get people paid that cover up that root. I don't have a problem with people making money. I just want them to be honest and do so, and I feel like that doesn't always happen. In fact I'm pretty sure it happens more than any of us probably want to even believe.

And don't even get me started on the higher than god asshole rightists that have the money and think they are entitled to their money and don't want to share it with anybody. Ok that's just how I view some people that have a lot of money. Like I said I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. I think these people are greedy assholes and if they even took a quarter of what they have and gave it to somebody or many somebody's that need something, they would really make a difference to somebody. I just don't know why anybody think that in order to be happy everybody needs to be brought up to the same level. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my opinion. In fact I think they have more of a problem with themselves than anybody at a lower level has.

I guess in the end I just want my kids to be able to grow up happy and free. I want them to be able to pursue their dreams and I don't want anybody telling them what that should be. I want them, and everybody, to be able to accept and be comfortable with everybody in life from the white middle class, to gays, to the poor, to the rich, to the disabled. To know that they don't have to feel guilty for being who they are, even if that means they are the gay, or the homophobic white middle class. EVERYBODY has a place in our society, and I don't think that is clearly stated anywhere. ESPECIALLY in government. Nobody is really embracing our differences in my opinion.

Anyways if you actually make it this far in my post thanks for listening to my rant. I know it probably didn't make sense I just needed to try to put into words some of the questions on my mind and how I feel about things. And if you don't agree with me I hope it's ok with you that I have a differing opinion. After all, how boring would it be if we all felt the same?

TTFN