Experiment626

The Journey of a Thousand Miles.....yadda yadda yadda

2012-01-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

Ok so I haven't posted anything since November. Where do I start? I've been thinking a lot lately about schools. The school we have Riley in is amazing and I couldn't ask for more and I really believe in what they're doing. And although I'm no expert and I do believe different types of schools can make a difference for different children, I haven't heard any raving reviews about any other schools here locally lately. I've talked to a couple of other mommy cohorts about the schools they have their little ones in and it amazes me to hear the things I do. One wasn't happy because her son wasn't being challenged enough. Upon a little more conversation I find out her son doesn't know a thing about alphabetical order in the middle of first grade. Another one was upset because her daughter was still doing things that were way too easy for her in kindergarten. Through all of this I just kept thinking how grateful I am for finding the school we did. I'm still a little worried about whether or not Jack is going to be ready for kindergarten at the younger age or not. He is SO close to the cutoff date and still is pretty immature in a school readiness sense even now in preschool. But we will just have to wait and see what will be best for him come next year at registration time. No sense in pushing a decision when he still has a year to mature, right?

I have also been thinking about seasons of my life a lot lately. In a couple of different ways I think I've been WAY off balance here. I'm living too much in my past seasons and not enough in my current one. And comparing the two. I really need to find out more of what my current season has to offer. Also I'm pushing away winter. I can see spring just ahead and I'm really eager to get there. I've even felt a few warm spring-like days lately and I'm getting really impatient for the change to just happen already, which just throws me farther back into winter. I need to be more patient with myself and just be where I am knowing I have the intention of moving forward slowly.
(I don't know if that'll make sense to people but we shall see )

Figuring out what I need my purpose in life to be has been a fun one too lately. I won't go in depth with the thought process again but it's been there, burning a hole in my brain and I still don't have it figured out. I'm sure I will in due time, I'm just not there yet.

But in the meantime I think I am going to try to make rice krispy treats with the kiddos tomorrow and just be happy for where I am, and try to remember that one saying that goes something like.....the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.....or whatever it is. I'm just going to be happy for where I am tomorrow. And at that I bid you goodnight
TTFN

Doggies

2011-11-20T21:43:00.001-08:00

So we had a really scary experience with Brogan today. He was sitting by the stairs after lunch as my parents were getting ready to leave and just looking.....not well. So I approached him to try to see what was wrong, and he was shaking pretty bad. Then he started groaning. So I got him to come lay down on the floor while I was calling CSU vet hospital and he wouldn't relax his back legs and he was still shaking and groaning. So I got everything set up to take him in, put Winny in her kennel (she was NOT happy to be left behind and let us know that very loudly as we left), and got Brogan in the car. Of course by the time we get to the dang hospital he is perfectly fine.......Damn Dogs.......But I'm relieved that he is ok and we still had them do an exam on him to make sure and they had 2 docs look at him and it probably cost us less than a normal vet visit so I guess I can't complain too much. Everybody there gushed over him too because he is such a well behaved, laid back, handsome little man and he stole everybody's hearts like he always does. I love my puppies :)

a late night rant

2011-10-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related. I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much.
TTFN

Changes on the Horizon

2011-05-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so it's been a few months since I've posted anything. There is a LOT going on right now.

Riley just got done with preschool! I will have a Kindergartener in the fall! I'm so excited for her and so nervous at the same time. We got into one of the schools we chose for her, Liberty Common, it's a Charter School here in Fort Collins. It is becoming a 12 year school too so she and Jack will be there through high school if all goes according to plan. Riley also rode her bike by herself with no training wheels the other day! It was just a short ride but I was SO proud of her for even taking that chance. She is growing up so fast. I am giving her and my two nephews violin lessons this summer. I've only given her one so far but she is very excited and I think she will do well as long as I can get her to focus.

Jack is going to be starting preschool in the fall. He is so excited he can't see straight. He asks me to tell him about his new school every night when he goes to bed. He is a little monkey! He is so active and all over the place and half the time I just don't know what to do with him. We've been going through a finger smashing phase lately. First he got them caught in the hinge of the dryer door. Then a couple of days later got them slammed in the car door. We got to go to the doctor for that one. He was fine but I freaked out! And it's just been more of the same for the past two weeks. This morning Riley closed his finger in her bedroom door! I just hope he makes it to preschool with all of his fingers at this point.

Kevin is still working at HP. He finally got going on the upstairs bathroom and after sooooo long waiting the end is in sight. He has pretty much rebuilt the entire bathroom and I am so proud of him. This week we will be able to put the floor in and then we will be on to tiling the shower which is the last major project! He is such a patient, kind, loving, amazing man and I am so lucky to be able to share my life with him.

I am feeling more like my old self than I have in a long time. I'm not recovered by any means, but farther along in recovery than I have ever been. I still have hard times, and I still expect to for a while, but I can cope with them better now and it doesn't take weeks to get over one bad day. I just noticed the other day that I was really there, really present, when we went to the park to teach Riley to ride her bike, and it was amazing and I was so thankful for that. I have just floated by in such a zombie state for so long now, and I feel like I've missed so much. I was glad just to be there for that. I'm becoming more that way every day too.

I have a new friend. Her name is Jackie, and she is my angel. She is just an amazing person and she helps me SO much and she is so easy to talk to I feel like I have known her forever. She and her boyfriend came over tonight for a BBQ and we had a really good time. I feel like she's filled a hole in my life.

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite time of year. I am so ready for the warmth and sunshine. It wasn't even a bad winter and it was just horrid for me. I'm ready to leave it behind. I got some barefoot shoes and I'm going to learn to run in them this summer. I just have to find a time that works for me to do it. But that shouldn't be too hard because I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to go to bed and get ready to give my nephews their first violin lessons tomorrow. :o) I'm so excited!

TTFN

2011-03-14T20:58:00.001-07:00

Ok I'm back to wondering why I keep doing this. I'm back to wondering why I try to have friends at all. It's frustrating as hell to me, not to mention depressing, to keep thinking people like me and actually want to be around me, then to continually find out otherwise. Hell I guess it gives me more time for housework, right? Ok maybe I'm just lonely or something but I really, really, REALLY feel at this point that I don't have a single friend that's not in it because they feel bad for me. I guess the cycle continues and again I am at a point in my life where I am an invisible loser. I guess it was bound to happen I just really had the hope that it wouldn't. It just sucks because every single time I start thinking I'm developing a friendship with someone I get so excited, and I just get crushed every single time. This is why I question my husband's love sometimes. I know that sounds pathetic, but how can one man love me so much when obviously the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me? I feel like he's just doing it out of pity too. But I have learned that he is honest and he wouldn't do that so I trust him. I just don't understand it. Anyways I didn't mean this to be a pity me post but hell what does it matter, I'm the only one that reads it anyways. I guess I'm done for now.

TTFN

Education (a really long winded and weird post)

2011-02-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

My math isn't the greatest, but I think it was somewhere around the '95-'96 school year that I started middle school. My middle school was a 2 year track 7th/8th grade. When I started my 7th grade year I had no idea of the roller coaster I was in for. I had a really hard time adjusting and began experiencing what I now know to be an epic depression that I am still fighting to this day. My grades dropped, I became bitchy and distant, and this eventually led to me giving up on school all together and dropping out of high school. The question I have is how did it happen and how could it have happened differently? I will not ask who is to blame as I believe blame is trivial and stupid and no one entity is ever entirely at fault for anything. So how did it happen? Well, It happened because even though I was having issues that were entirely beyond my reach I never really talked to anybody about them and they kept festering. I had a couple of teachers that really reached out to me and tried SO hard to help. They asked what would work for me, listened, and really did everything they could to help me succeed. And those strategies worked....for those couple of classes. Unfortunately by this point in education you have a lot more than a couple of classes to contend with, and the teachers never really talked amongst each other to try to band together to help me. Is this their job? I'm not sure. Would it have helped me? Most likely, yes. Is this the only way it could have happened differently? No. There are a lot of things I think of looking back. Getting into counseling sooner to deal with the depression would have, but I don't blame my parents, I don't think they even knew at this point that depression was the problem. I never told them that I was teased for so many years through elementary school, either. This might have been part of the reason the depression started in the first place. But I was too embarrassed to say anything. My lack of organization has always been an issue in in too, and I could have asked for more help with this. I didn't because I didn't realize it was ok to ask for help and not look like a total loser.

I am sitting here pondering these things because my daughter is going to start kindergarten next year and I am so scared of history repeating itself I can't see straight. She's in preschool right now and I can't even watch her play on the playground because it's too painful for me to look back and see myself out there, sitting alone on the monkey bars, sad and lonely. I don't think she is, but there have been a couple of times I have seen her out there playing by herself and I just lose it. I want to run out there and be with her and help her, even though it's me, not her, that needs it.

I've also been examining my beliefs about our public school system. I don't think it's fair to completely lay blame on the schools for producing only a 30-40% success rate, but I don't think it's fair to not blame them at all either. There are specific things that I really don't like about public education right now. One of them is teachers unions. I think they have absolutely no good reason to be there at all and I think it's hurting academics due to their ideals of all teachers having equality. All teachers are not equal and should not be treated as such. Another thing that I think is really crappy right now is that they just go in there and teach whatever they want to with no regard of what the kid has or has not already learned. Completely scattered academics. People need to build upon what has already been taught, this is why I am such a fan of the core knowledge curriculum. Also the decision not to hold kids back a grade that are obviously not ready to move on just because it will embarrass them. I don't agree and even if all of their friends are in a higher grade what does it matter if it will benefit them in the end. And the earlier you do it the more in stride they will be able to take it.

I also think that it's a problem that parents are not more involved with schools. Education is not a one sided, go to school and learn it, type of deal. Parents have to learn and know how to assist in the education of their kids. It's not just somewhere they send them for the day so someone else can watch them. The reason they're going there is important, and I think a lot more parents need to treat it as such. But I also think that they need to be more involved IN the schools. I know this is not easy because a lot of parents work full time and can't get the time off to do a lot. But there has to be some way for more parents to help and be involved, and I don't think the schools put it out there enough that they need or want that either. Parents need to be more involved on the boards and be able to put their opinions out there too ( I personally don't think unions let that happen much, though.)

So for these reasons, and by the Grace of God that we were actually drawn in the lottery, My kids are going to one of the local Charter Schools that offers a core knowledge curriculum, emphasizes classical education, and character education as well. I know not all charter schools are good, but I truly believe this one is. I also know that just having charter schools is not the answer to a broken system, but for me right now it's all I've got. I hope beyond all hopes that this works out well for us, that my kids thrive and learn and succeed, and are not bullied or made to feel worthless. In the meantime I know what I have to do. I need to figure out how to stop feeling worthless myself. I've done it for so long now it's all I know, and it's easy to do. But I really believe now that my kids deserve more..........and so do I. I just don't know where to start.

TTFN

It's late, and my head is spinning

2010-11-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I hate what elections bring out in me. I've been thinking about so much since the results began to be posted yesterday. For one thing I'm really damn glad Pelosi has been knocked off her throne. I can't stand that woman. I've mostly been thinking about partisanship......and how this political shtuff works......and I know it's necessary for our country to function but I HATE it. I hate the far right, I hate the far left, I hate that they label themselves instead of standing up for what they, individually believe in and have a vague party label. I hate the fact that more and more of our politicians, no matter what their party affiliation, have their own agenda and don't really give a crap about America and Americans and what it even means to be an American. Instead it is a game of dollar signs. I don't trust any of them and I don't really want to vote for any of them because I don't believe in any of them. It is just a lesser of two evils.

It makes me want to cry to even think of my children's future. For one thing what the hell are schools going to look like in another ten or even twenty years. We keep throwing more and more money at them and yet things still keep getting worse and worse. My personal belief is it is because people are greedy and won't put in what it really takes to get results and/or because they don't believe they are paid enough. Don't get me wrong, I think teachers are wonderful people and I have met some amazing ones in my lifetime, but are some/a lot of them just quieting their consciences by telling themselves they are doing a good thing by being a teacher and getting paid a crappy salary, therefore they don't go above and beyond because it's not in their contract and they are already doing a good thing? I don't know, but I'd bet there are at least some out there.

Another thing about schools that drives me crazy is shit like this......We have like 5 schools on the chopping block in Fort Collins, yet others have 52 inch flat screens in every classroom to replace overhead projectors. TECHNOLOGY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO EDUCATION!!!! I understand that kids need to use it but geez people there is absolutely nothing wrong with overhead projectors. How much money is that, that could have gone to another school that needed it for basic funding.

Look at how much our country is in debt. I feel like that pretty much says we don't even own our country anymore. Trillions of dollars is a bit ridiculous. Then again I have a couple of thousand on my credit card and I hyperventilate. It reminds me of a saying. When you find yourself in a hole what's the first thing you do? STOP DIGGING! Granted I know our country needs to spend money to operate but what is the point in passing stimuluses and other Government aid when it isn't really even coming from them. Then they just make it harder on everyone else when they raise taxes to try to pay for it. I feel like I have been taxed into a black friggin hole. Eventually I'm going to wonder what's going to be left for me to live on. It seriously scares me.

Ok I know I sound like a rightist right now and I guess to an extent I am. I can't help it. I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. It's their job to protect our rights and liberties. I feel like they're just taking more and more of them away. Telling me nobody has the right to be who they are except the people who are struggling and discriminated against. I want to help people who are struggling and discriminated against, I want to fight for them, but I want it to be of my own free will, not what the government wants to make me do.

I don't want them to tell me it is the law that I have to have health care, I want to do it because it is the best thing for me. I don't want them to parent me. If I want to pay for medical services out of my pocket who the hell are they to stop me. I understand there are people out there that need it and can't afford it but look at what we already have in place. A hospital cannot deny anybody care that is not in stable condition, wether they have coverage or not.

I guess what I'm saying is there are ways for people already to get what they need. So why not focus on helping people who need it figure that out. Help them help themselves. Encourage people to stand on their own two feet. I think there are some government programs that do things like this that are great.

I guess I just really think the meaning of being free is changing. Hard work doesn't pay off as much anymore. You can actually get farther on handouts and it is (but not to me) socially acceptable.....and that is sad.

How is it that more and more people are going to college and getting higher education yet they say we're falling behind other countries, that we're just not cutting it?

And just working hard won't get you through college. You HAVE to go into debt just to get through college. Why does money have to be in the equation to be happy. How is it that nobody that is poor is ever shown as happy or fulfilled and ALWAYS shown in need of help? I just can't see that as being true. You can be the happiest person in the world and live in a cardboard box. I believe that.

I have so many more questions than I have answers for and it really pisses me off that everything seems so much more complicated than it needs to be sometimes. Notice please that I said SEEMS, not IS. I'm sure when you get down to the root of it, it is all very simple. But I don't think I will ever see that root because of all the twists to the truth that get people paid that cover up that root. I don't have a problem with people making money. I just want them to be honest and do so, and I feel like that doesn't always happen. In fact I'm pretty sure it happens more than any of us probably want to even believe.

And don't even get me started on the higher than god asshole rightists that have the money and think they are entitled to their money and don't want to share it with anybody. Ok that's just how I view some people that have a lot of money. Like I said I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. I think these people are greedy assholes and if they even took a quarter of what they have and gave it to somebody or many somebody's that need something, they would really make a difference to somebody. I just don't know why anybody think that in order to be happy everybody needs to be brought up to the same level. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my opinion. In fact I think they have more of a problem with themselves than anybody at a lower level has.

I guess in the end I just want my kids to be able to grow up happy and free. I want them to be able to pursue their dreams and I don't want anybody telling them what that should be. I want them, and everybody, to be able to accept and be comfortable with everybody in life from the white middle class, to gays, to the poor, to the rich, to the disabled. To know that they don't have to feel guilty for being who they are, even if that means they are the gay, or the homophobic white middle class. EVERYBODY has a place in our society, and I don't think that is clearly stated anywhere. ESPECIALLY in government. Nobody is really embracing our differences in my opinion.

Anyways if you actually make it this far in my post thanks for listening to my rant. I know it probably didn't make sense I just needed to try to put into words some of the questions on my mind and how I feel about things. And if you don't agree with me I hope it's ok with you that I have a differing opinion. After all, how boring would it be if we all felt the same?

TTFN

Settling into Autumn

2010-10-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been saying for the past month I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for fall. I don't want the colder weather or naked trees or shorter days. But then something happened today. I was walking through whole foods with my uberly adorable little man (who is the BEST little boy in the world when he is not teething and cranky) and I walked past a display and smelled fall spices. The cinnamon and nutmeg reset my brain, and suddenly I am excited for fall. I am excited to bake pumpkin pie. I am excited for the holidays and the beauty of the changing trees. I'm especially excited for apples to be in season again. It's hard for me to admit that I'm ok leaving summer behind now because I love it so much, but I am. I'll still anticipate it's return next year, but for now I'm beginning to welcome autumn with open arms. The door is still shut tight on old man winter, though!

TTFN

2010-09-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

I just realized I only have 1 follower on my blog. I know I don't write very often anyway but it really makes me think "why the hell am I even doing this"? I guess I have that same question for a lot of things in my life. Maybe I'm just feeling very lonely today, but it seems to me like the only people who care about me in my life (besides my immediate family) are people I pay to care. My doctor and my shrink. I mean hell I know I don't need a ton of people in my life to be happy, but in all honesty I think I have one friend that really cares and spends the time to make our friendship work. ONE. One person that I am not related to that really feels like being around me. I have never been the type of person that wants a lot of friends and I value what I have but I guess what I have right now just feels really damn lonely to me.

TTFN

Bittersweet

2010-08-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

The end of summer is already upon us. It is a bittersweet ending for me. Summer is my favorite time of year. I love being able to go outside whenever I want and not freezing my butt off. The official end of summer is still a month out and the weather is already considerably cooler. I don't feel ready to let go of my hot summer months yet. On the other hand fall is a wonderful time of year. We have so much to look forward to. Riley is going to be starting her second year of preschool. Jack is going to be starting his own class called curious two's. It's an hour away from mom and dad twice a week. We are planning a lot to do around the house before winter. But it's still SO hard to let go of the weather. I'm not ready for the cold of winter, but I can't wait for the holidays. I feel like such a mess!

On another note Jack is almost two years old. I can't believe it has already been that long since my baby boy was born. I feel like I am losing the baby years, and this is another very bittersweet time for me.

I love my little boy. I love the person he is becoming. He is already potty training, he is smart, and very very VERY strong willed. But I miss my baby. He was my last baby. I am mostly certain there will not be another one. Our family is complete. And I feel an empty space that there will not be any more babies to grow in my belly, meet for the first time, and stay up late at night feeding. I know it sounds crazy that I actually enjoyed that stuff, but there is nothing like being half awake, cuddling with your little one, rocking and feeding them, and feeling that warm little bundle in your arms. Knowing that they depend on you for everything they need, and you love them so much that you don't think twice about doing it. I can't wait to seem him grow and see the person he becomes. But I don't want to let go of my baby.

And speaking of babies I was looking at pictures of Riley as a baby last night. Sometimes it's already hard for me to think back to how small she was. She is already halfway to 5 years old. These past 4 and a half years have gone by SO fast. And I guess it doesn't help that for most of it I have been battling my own demons which just takes more time away. She is SUCH an amazing, awesome, and frustrating little girl! She isn't even in her second year of preschool yet and she is already a pretty proficient reader. She is the most loving and forgiving little soul I have ever met in my life. The other day we got to go shopping together, just the two of us, and we both had such a great time. Sometimes I miss having just her all to myself, so those moments help a lot.....and I definitely need to remember to get more of them in. She is growing up way too fast. They both are.

Now it is time to go and get the most out of the next month that I possibly can. The kids and I are going to squeeze the life out of the end of summer and enjoy every single moment.

TTFN

Impending Changes

2010-06-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to just take a deep breath and take life as it comes. It's amazing how much having an eating disorder can make you feel schizophrenic. Sometimes I feel like there are two different people living in my body. As much as I'm told it's a part of recovery it makes me feel totally crazy at times.

I was thinking that it's time to make some changes to my routine and daily life. These are not going to come easy for me but I KNOW it's the best thing for me to do. I just don't know how to start. I don't exactly want to say what the changes are so it's hard to explain them, but they will be things that are going to take time and patience to implement. On the other hang it's partly just jumping. Just doing what I need to do. When I think about that part of it I just feel frozen. Like I told a friend the other day, implementing it may just take somebody holding my hand and doing it with me. It's not my ideal way but somehow it has to be done.

On another note I am officially in my late 20's. And honestly this is the first time in my life I have ever had a problem with my age. I feel old and washed up. I dunno I am sure there have to be good things about getting older, I just haven't found them yet. I did have a pretty awesome birthday. I got my nose pierced and we went to a friends party. They even sang happy birthday to me. I don't think that has happened in years. I felt pretty special.

Oh well it's a beautiful day out so I'm going to go do the dishes so that I can go outside with the kids later. TTFN

- BASIL AND SPICE MIND AND BODY - (5/2010) Eating Disorder Recovery: Easier On The Other Side

2010-05-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

- BASIL AND SPICE MIND AND BODY - (5/2010) Eating Disorder Recovery: Easier On The Other Side

2010-05-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

I just had a conversation with someone I used to know that I really didn't think even remember I existed at all. This has me thinking. Of what I'm not yet sure....I guess that's why I'm here.

Ok I need to start by explaining that I am an extremely and deeply emotional person. If you know of the enneagram personality types I am a 4. What that means is everything is ruled by my emotions. Logic is an extremely difficult concept for me and I find it hard to understand how people make decisions NOT based on how they FEEL about something.

That said, The people in my life are very dear to me. Both past and present, wether or not the ones in the past are still in my life or not. The person that I talked to this evening was a person I knew in high school. Granted I did not know him very well. We did not hang out a lot and I'm pretty sure we never had a very deep conversation about anything. He was not exactly the most serious person in the world and so was not taken very seriously by others around ME. But I saw something in him that I can't really put into words. Something a lot deeper than he ever showed on the outside. I felt like I understood him on the inside I guess. Therefore he left a very deep and lasting impact on me.

But like I said, even though he left an impact on me, I didn't think he even remembered I existed until tonight. And it's left me wondering about the impact I have, and have had, on other peoples lives. I wonder is it really just my lack of self-esteem that tells me I have nothing to leave others with? But seriously I wonder why people like him even remember me. I was just a passing blip in their lives that came and went without a second thought. Or so I believed. But just the fact that this one person remembered me.....and said hello....and had a conversation with me.......just turns it all upside down. I am just so amazed by it. I dunno.

I read an article today by Jenni Schaefer about Eating Disorder recovery that gives some good insight to just how hard and long a process recovery really is. I am one year in and still dancing with ED. It is such an exhausting dance. Anyways I kinda wanted to share it just because I think people will benifit from the information. So I posted it as a seperate blog entry. Jenni Schaefer is an amazing person. She inspires me. This article I think more than anything I have read of hers thus far gives me SO much hope.

Well that's about all I have for now. I am going to go downstairs and ponder self esteem and life and relationships while I try to go to sleep. It's a good thing I see my counselor tomorrow!
TTFN

Sighhhhhh.......

2010-04-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. GAH! Life really blows right now. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Everything is a damn mess right now. I feel like I have screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. I've relapsed BADLY. I'm not eating much. Kevin is PISSED at me because of it. I am scared. I don't know what to do.

I just wish somebody close to me understood what this feels like. I try so hard to talk and tell people how I'm feeling and nobody really gets it. I know they understand the feelings that I have....fear, anxiety, anger, terror......but nobody close to me really gets what this feels like inside. The depth of these emotions and the grip ED has on me. The fact that it's the only thing I can do that DOESN'T invoke the deep emotions that rule my life.

I was reading an old diary a while ago and something struck me. I had something in those entries that I don't have anymore. I had.....self esteem.....and hope. I don't know when that changed. Heck I don't even know what made it change. But it changed none the less. It's so crippling it's hard for me to even get through a single day at home alone with the kids, much less 5 in a row. I dunno, I think for now I'm going to go TRY to rest so I can be up with the kids tomorrow. I'll update soon.

TTFN

2010-04-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

When I say I feel lonely I don't mean that there's nobody that is there for me. I don't mean that I feel all alone in this world because I don't. Not in that way anyways. When I say I feel lonely I mean that I feel like nobody else in this world will understand the hell I feel inside of me on a daily basis and I don't think I will ever be able to explain it to anybody. I feel alone because I don't want anybody else to understand. I feel like a total failure at life. This is never going to go away and the more I try to fight it the more I feel like I lose the good parts of myself. I feel angry....all the time. I feel angry and mad and sad and lonely. Anyhoo just a small rant. Sorry I'm so down. Maybe soon I'll have something more upbeat to report on.

TTFN

2010-03-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm really frustrated with things right now. Mostly myself I guess. I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore. I'm freaking out about my weight. I dunno. Kevin says I'm still not to where I should be yet. I know the Dr. told me the last time I was there that my weight was better than it was before....which I guess to me says I'm where I "should be". I know I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is a disgusting fat blob. I think about it all the time. I want to cry all the time. Hell I don't even know why I am posting this. I probably shouldn't be, but I guess I am. I guess I am tired of trying to look normal....to FEEL normal....because I DON'T FEEL NORMAL! I mean logically, in my head, I know that I will always feel fat no matter what. But in my heart I know that if I just get back to where I was before I would feel SO much better about my body. I just want to be able to look normal. But I also want to be loved. And I guess I have come to know in my heart that when I'm worrying about all of this is when I am ugly, and not loved. It's like when everyone else loves me, I can't love myself. But when I feel proud of myself and feel like I might be able to love myself, nobody else loves me. I just wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. It's like a vice squeezing my brain. It hurts so badly all the damn time. I just want to scream and throw a fit. I am so scared. I have a little girl. She depends on me to help her with everything including forming an opinion of herself. If she ever feels this way about herself how would I live with that? She is SUCH a beautiful little girl. How could I ever make her feel like it's even remotely ok to hate herself. I dunno. I just feel hopeless. I feel like I am just going to be stuck with this forever. I guess I just needed to vent. To hopefully make someone realize that it's not worth it to hate your body. Whatever it may be. Ok well I am done for now. Hopefully my next post will be a little more uplifting.

TTFN

Is it me?

2010-03-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

YAY! My wonderful, loving, ever considerate husband brought me home a loaner computer from work while we figure out the best way to get mine fixed so that I am not computerless anymore. Although I do have to say that not having a computer has probably been one of the best things for me in my recovery (though I really hate to admit it) and I really want to continue to not rely on it and hide behind it. So I have put that out there and holding you accountable to hold me accountable to not do that. k.
Now that that's out of the way where do I start?? I'm in a very strange place in my recovery right now. I can see and pretty much easily recognize what is good for me and what is not......yet I still basically throw fits over the fact that I cannot do or partake in the stuff that is not good for me. This does by no means have to do with food, mind you. This is anything from the people I surround myself with to the things I choose to look up on the internet or just what I decide to give my time and attention to. To give you an example, I had a friend from highschool on my facebook page for a while. She very recently had a kid. VERY recently. Anyways she posted a status about how much she LOVED what she was seeing on the scale. I decided to speak out because I didn't feel this was right. I commented to her and told her not to let her self worth be dictated by a number on a piece of metal, and that she was a good person of how high or low that number is. I was REALLY proud of myself for this and just the fact that I spoke out at all was a HUGE thing for me. So she comments back to me and TOTALLY ignored everything I posted to her and just started gushing.....directly to me this time.....about how much she LOVES the number on the scale and she has not seen it since seventh grade, but still needs to tone up blah blah blah.......I walked away and ED (Eating Disorder) was beating me over the head with a stick ALL day after that. The next day lo and behold she posts pictures of how she looks a week post-baby. I had to delete her as a friend. I had to tell myself that this is not healthy for me. She is trying to get attention for what she looks like and this is exactly what I am trying to get away from. Yet I still feel bad that I did it and I am beating myself up for the fact that I can't handle that stuff. I feel like I am a bad person or something. So that's where I am with THAT.
On another note the kiddos are doing WONDERFUL. We went to Riley's parent teacher conference this morning. The kid is a genius. They grade them on different criteria using 3 different grades. NY(not yet) S (Sometimes, Progressing) and R (Ready, Does Consistently). Of course they have the different things they grade them on....everything from gross motor skills to following directions and reading and writing etc. She got ALL R's. Her teachers say that rarely ever happens. We are SO proud of her. She is challenging in the fact that she is a perfectionist though. She won't even TRY to do something if she is not confident that she can do it right. That can be very frustrating at times.
Jack is such a boy. He is 18 months old now and he is all over the place. I can't keep up with him. He is into everything. He is adorable though. We have been learning to sign with him more because he is male, and communication is just not a strong point. He is picking up the signing pretty well, but he is starting to talk more too. It is still just one word here and there and he still screams and points a lot but I'm sure we'll get there eventually.
Yoga is going very well for me and it's probably the one thing I have for me right now that I am absolutely loving. I'm just going twice a week right now because I have to find time where I will have babysitters and kevin will be home and such, but I think I am going to take the kids to the child care so I will be able to go at least one more day a week, so that is exciting.
Kevin is going out of town next week and Riley is on spring break so we will have all week to ourselves. I need to go feed the kiddos and get Riley to her play date now so I'm sure I will be back frequently this week, but that's all I've got for now. TTFN.

2009-12-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I get into these emotionally unstable moods.......

Ok I know I haven't posted in a long time. No really good excuses except the fact that recovery is hard and painful and doesn't leave much time for deep thoughts.

That's actually why I'm in such an unstable mood today. I got sick last night and since then ED (Short for Eating Disorder) has been going wild in celebration. And I am left trying to figure out how to keep him at bay. It's really hard and I can't say every single part of me wants to yet. But I guess if every part of me did want to I'd be recovered already. So I guess I just really want to vent for a minute.

I hate gaining weight. It scares me to no end and I feel like a fat cow. It scares me that I'm never going to stop gaining weight and they're going to have to haul me out of my house with a forklift. Everybody tells me the chances of that happening are very slim but I still can't get it out of my head that I am going to end up like that. And now I have my nutritionist, chris, in my head. I had an appointment with her yesterday and she was talking about diets. She was talking about how advertising for just about anything, diets included, makes you feel not good enough and is meant to give you a complex. That they don't have your best interests at heart, they just want to sell their product. AND that if diets really worked there would be no market for them. And how boring would it be if all the people in the world were perfect in every way.

I'm sorry I know this is such a random post and you're probably just as confused as I am by this point.

I guess in reality I just want to reach out and make sure that the people I love will love me no matter what size I am. Sighhhhhh........recovery sucks sometimes.......But It can't be any worse than living as a scared shell of a human being with no energy for the rest of my life...right?

TTFN

Conflicted

2009-04-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately and it's all very confusing and I really just need to take a minute to think and write some things down.

Mostly what is on my mind is about friends and friendship. I know a couple of people that I did consider friends......but I don't know if I still do or not. They both live fairly close and I think I get along well with both of them, but I haven't seen or talked to either one of them in.....well I can't even remember how long ago. I'm conflicted about it because I have TRIED to get ahold of them and get together with or talk to them. I know everyone has a busy schedule and blah blah blah but I thought you made time for your friends. At least that is what I do......even if it is just a text message or email to say I am thinking of you. I have called and left messages on their phones and messaged them on the internet and have gotten bupkis in return.

In all honesty it pisses me off a little. It really makes me feel like they are not interested in being my friend. I feel like I have waisted my time trying like hell to make time for them when it is all one sided and they just want to be nice to me but don't really want to be my friend.

Ok so it sounds a little like a poor pity me I guess but it just hurts thinking that somebody is your friend and then finding out they are not. It's not quite as bad, but it's still like losing somebody you love. But I guess I just have to let it go and move on. I will be thankful for the good friends I know I do have in my life and realize that I have always felt that having a couple of really great friends is better than having a bunch of mediocre ones. So, if you are one of those friends and happen to read this.....Thank you for being a good friend :o)

TTFN

Tidbits

2009-04-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

I started a yoga class last night. I was AMAZED at how much I loved it. I was very unsure going into it as to what it was going to be like and how I was going to do with it. I absolutely loved it. For 90 minutes all of the stress inside of me just melted away and I was in my own world concentrating on nothing but me and the positioning of my body and breathing. I can't wait to go back on Saturday.

Jack is getting ready to crawl. He has started army crawling a little bit. He is so happy and determined and adorable. I don't want him to grow up but at the same time I can't wait to see how his personality grows every single day. Kids are so amazing.

Riley has started drawing people the adorable way that all pre-schoolers do.....a large head with a weird face and two legs coming straight out of the head....no body at all. We were drawing family members on her chalkboard last night. First she drew herself, then daddy, then mommy. Kevin laughed when she drew me, because she drew a very oddly shaped head that was HUGE, two eyes, a mouth, and a nose underneath that. She is so proud of herself though, and I am so proud of the way she can draw circles and actually make pictures now. We are going tomorrow to look at a preschool for her for the fall. I'm excited and sad at the same time. My baby is growing up and going to school!

We have been re-organizing the house. We moved the TV back into the living room upstairs and decided it didn't quite look right up there......so we went and bought a new TV. I still think I'm glad we did because it was definitely time to move away from the tube TV, but dang those things are expensive and I gave into kevin wanting the bigger one which of course was more expensive. I'm now a little worried about money because kevin told me we could buy some stuff to help organize the house and i'm worried we will have to put that off now.

I am so happy the weather is getting nicer. I love getting out and doing things outside. I have already taken the bike out three times this week and we are planning on riding to Riley's class tomorrow. Kevin has Friday and Monday off this week so we are excited to have him home with us for a couple extra days!

well, not too exciting but that's what's been going on.....maybe something deeper later, when the kids are sleeping and I have time to think.

TTFN

Pretty Much a kid update

2009-01-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

So, not much has really been going on besides being a mommy for me so I figured I'd write about what I know......my children!

We had Riley's 3 year checkup and Jack's 4 month checkup at the doctor on Tuesday. Getting them both done at once was cool but it took a long time and I'm kinda glad that probably won't happen again. Anyways I'll start with Riley. She is still very tall...I think the sheet said 3 feet 3 inches....and still at 37 pounds where I swear she has been and probably will be for a while. She is smart as we all know very well. I was reading some of the milestones for 3 years old and just laughed. One of them was putting a sentence together with 3 to 4 words!! I was like you're kidding right?!?! This kid has been doing that since she was 18 months old!! She is a little behind on her gross motor skills. She has never been much of a runner or jumper and she isn't quite where she should be now, so we're going to be working with her on that more and trying to get her up to speed..... literally! haha! I was beating myself up for about a day over it thinking it was my fault for not working with her on it enough and I still feel that way but I'm not beating myself up for it anymore.

Jack is doing great too. He is 26.6 inches long and weighs 15.4 pounds. His head circumference is only in the 25% still. Boy just has a small head. He is right on with his development. Evidently somebody didn't explain to him that it was harder to turn from his back to his belly because that's what he did first. I think he could probably go the other way too but I haven't seen him do it yet. There was one occasion while we were there that the doctor made me cry. I was telling her about the urologists findings and how he said that in the pictures Jacks bladder was off to the side because there was a lot of gas in his tummy. I told her I couldn't remember completely but I think the perinatologist said something about that at one point too when I was still pregnant with him so I was a little concerned about his bladder. I can't remember exactly what she said at that point but it was something about checking for a tumor pushing his bladder over and it was all I could do not to lose it right there! But I kept it together and told myself that it's only ONE possible worst case scenario outcome and with all the ultrasounds and everything else I had I'm sure if there was a tumor big enough to push his bladder like that we would have found it. And when the docs have felt his belly they feel nothing. Anyways other than that my little man is just wonderful.....he got 2 shots and some oral vaccine and we go back at 6 months for him.

We are going Monday to see the urologist for Jack and get another ultrasound. I'm anxious to find out where he is now with all of it and see how fast he is going to outgrow this!

Well, I think that's all from me for now I'll try to figure out how to post more often but I've discovered how hard it is with 2 kids and I hate just writing little posts so we'll see.

TTFN

What ever happened to courtesy?

2009-01-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

So, this year I decided to try doing a kid party for Riley for her birthday. I was so excited and I invited all of the kids in her funtime class. I was a little bummed I didn't have the time to make her cake this year but I got over it and just ordered a cake for her and looked forward to the party. Riley was sooooooo excited to get to have her Mickey Mouse party. As time went by and we started counting down the days to her party, I only had confirmation that one kid was coming. I was a little bummed, but I knew that others could still show and even if it was only one Riley would have fun.

So finally today came and I started thinking about it and got REALLY nervous that nobody was going to show up. As 2pm came and went I was afraid that even the one kid that was supposed to come wouldn't show up. I knew we could get other people to come over and Riley would probably never know the difference, but my heart was breaking for that little girl sitting there on the couch thinking of that scenario. I think it hit me so hard because I was always kind of in the same situation as a kid, I didn't have many friends and even though it never happened, I could see myself getting stood up on my birthday.

But anyways the kid ended up showing up and he and Riley did end up being the only two. They had fun though, and Riley was just happy to have her Mickey Mouse party.

After the party ended I found myself a little pissed of. I was pissed off at the fact that out of the 8 or so children we invited, I only got 2 RSVP's. And this happens to me every year, so you would think I should expect it by now. It really irritates me though. I mean come on people. Even if you're not going to come at least have the common decency to call and say so!! How hard is it to pick up the phone!! It just boils my blood sometimes!!

Then that got me thinking about the mothers of the children that I invited. These people are the reason I'm a lonely stay at home mom. Because I don't want to be friends with a bunch of stuck up bitches who think they are better than everyone else because they are able to stay home with their children. It's so damn irritating. I even tried to be social with them. I've stayed and tried to talk to some of them when Riley is in her class. Every time I would try to jump in on a conversation or start one all I got was short, I have to be polite, type answers. I don't think it helps either that they are all at least 7-10 years older than me so I have NOTHING in common with any of them anyways. I wish sometimes I had more friends I could talk to on a regular basis during the days, but I don't want to be friends with people like that.

Anyways it's late now and I'm going to go to bed and just be glad that my little girl had a good day and just finds it awesome that she had her mickey mouse party.

TTFN

Entry #1

2008-12-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

I decided that diaryland wasn't for me anymore. I had to move on.

Right now I am sitting in the kitchen with my cousin watching my son try to wake up and smelling the 5 dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I just made. I'm tired today so I really don't have a specific topic to write about which kind of pisses me off because when I'm not blogging I think of all of this good stuff I have opinions on and then I get in front of the computer and I'm drawing a complete blank.

My goal is to try to blog at least 3 times a week and try to get some of the shit off of my chest that I think about at odd times. But for a first entry I guess this will have to do because my son is waking up and I need to package up cookies.

TTFN