I don't write anymore. I can't remember my last post on here without looking. So why am I doing this now? Who knows. I just gotta get it out I guess.
The end of 2015 was fantastic. I finished my first semester of Vet Tech school and damn-it I did GOOD. We bought an electric car which is pretty damn cool. I felt like I was finally at a point I might be able to call myself recovered. Everyone was healthy(minus kevin's cold) and I was in love with this life I was settling into. Then 2016 came around and from the first day shit's just been hard.
Winny came down with a limp on her left hindlimb on the 31st. We took her to the vet who took x-rays and said there was a possibility she might have a lytic lesion on the head of her femur. I spent the next week until the radiologist looked at the x-ray worrying myself sick. Upon further investigation of lytic lesions I found out that they're generally due to osteosarcoma......bone cancer......and while the head of the femur isn't a common place to find one they do generally occur in long bones. That was a bad week. The radiologist finally looked at the x-rays on the 6th and determined that there is no lesion there THANK GOD. And while my Winny-Girl is healthy, she's also old. She turned 12 years old on the 2nd and this whole experience has brought me to a point of having to come to terms with her eventual mortality. I'm still wondering if we'll see another birthday. She's my baby and whenever the time comes I will let her go, but mentally I'm not at peace with that yet. I don't know if I ever will be. Is it futile to try? Am I causing myself unneeded stress focusing more on that than the time I have left with her? I guess that right there is why I need to write this. I haven't asked myself these questions yet.
So right after we get the news about winny, and I mean RIGHT after.....30 minutes later to be exact, I'm sitting in the vet's office with Brogan who is limping on his right hind limb. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. Even though he was obviously in pain the little shit was being so stoic about it that I couldn't even illicit a pain response from him when I tried to figure out where the pain was coming from. Hip? Back? Stifle(Knee)? Ankle? Nothing......The doctor even had a hard time getting him to react to anything. But after much poking and prodding and a couple of x-rays we determined it to be a cruciate ligament injury in his knee. Only stretched or partially torn at this point thank goodness. We have him on anti-inflammitories and rest and have a good chance of getting it to heal without surgery which would be wonderful.
Ok so 2 dogs in 6 days with vet visits, x-rays, and prescription medications........I'm surprised my credit card didn't melt by the time we were done with the vet's office. Which is a whole other stressor to add into the mix.....finances. It always stresses me out when I have to spend money. Be it on myself, the kids, the dogs, the house, whatever. Amounts don't matter either. I have a really hard time even bringing myself to buy my kids a cookie once in a while. I know it's something that I need to work on but I hate dealing with finances so I leave Kevin in charge of our bank accounts which doesn't help me any because then I end up feeling like a kid asking for money all the time. I've got nothing on this one......no way to even begin to try to fix it........it frustrates me just thinking about it.
A couple days after all of the stuff with the dogs I got some very sad and unexpected news. I always talk to another parent when I'm standing outside waiting to pick up the kids. He and I have been chatting out front for years. I've met his kids and his wife several times and he's really nice people. Well I found out that his wife passed away from a heart attack on the 3rd. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know her well but I knew her enough that I said hello in passing and we recognized each other and chatted on occasion. She was 49 years old. I'm sad she's gone. But for me it also brings up a lot of fear because honestly that is probably my greatest fear in life......Dying while my kids are young. I honestly can't fathom it. And then yesterday I found out that her heart attack stemmed from an elective cosmetic surgery procedure she had done after Christmas. That really punched me in the gut and won't leave me at peace. I'm sad that she felt she had to go to such lengths to fit society's definition of beauty, and I'm pissed at society for making her feel as though she had to go to such lengths to fit in. After everything I've been through recovering from anorexia and then have someone die trying to fit beauty standards I've worked so hard to reject? I just can't wrap my head around it.
I had another experience with the animal shelter I volunteer at that has made me question some things as well but that's not something I can really get into here.
And then David Bowie died......more death and sadness
At the beginning of every year I think about what I want to get out of that year. 2015 was my year of education. I'm not ready for that to end so I've decided that 2016 will be my year of education and connection. There's a lot that goes in to connection, but I know what all it entails, and I think if I can just get through this rough patch it's going to turn out to be an amazing year.
I hope balance will find me soon and I won't be overwhelmed with all of the rough stuff for too much longer. I know they say when it rains it pours but I'm over monsoon season and ready for a little sunshine to peek through the clouds.
TTFN
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Friday, January 23, 2015
Nepal Post 1 (Travel)
I figured I would try to go through a bit of what we did and saw in Nepal. It will probably be a pretty lengthy few posts but I'll try to get through it all pretty quickly
Travel
We began our Journey on October 7th 2014 at DIA. The part of the group that was traveling together all met up before we went through security. Not the best picture but here is our wonderful group!
Our first leg of the flight was from Denver, CO to Newark, NJ. It was a fairly short flight in between lunch and dinner, and being the first leg we were all very excited to be off on our Journey together.
This is a view from the plane as we were flying into Newark. You can't see it unless you zoom the picture but the statue of liberty is right in front of the wing!
We had dinner in Newark as we waited for the long flight to begin. 14 Hours from Newark, NJ to New Dehli, India. Boarding the plane was a little scary because I had no Idea what I was in for with a 14 hour flight! It wasn't too bad, Honestly. Sleeping was fairly easy on the way there, There was enough room to get up and walk around the plane, and the kids sitting around was were all fairly quiet. Much different than our flight back from Germany!
This is a view on descent into New Dehli, India. I was in awe as I saw the nighttime views. Knowing we were in another country and wondering how things would be. We landed at 9pm-ish and had to spend the rest of the night in the airport until our flight to Kathmandu the next morning. The first two-ish hours were spent in customs making sure everything was in order with our passports and our bags. After that we went through security checkpoint to make it into the main terminal. Thankfully the airport was very posh. We were able to get food and do some shopping (they even had a Haggen Daas Ice cream place!) and all seemed well. After a couple more hours we went to the terminal to try to sleep and/or wait for the flight. Kevin and I crashed on the floor behind a row of chairs for about an hour or so....couldn't handle any more than that as the floor was not very comfy! FINALLY the next morning we took our flight to Kathmandu, eager for our adventures to start. After a bumpy landing we made it to the foreign terminal and were able to go through customs, get our visas, exchange money, and get the heck out of airports (at least for a day!).
I'll stop there for this entry and talk about our day in Kathmandu in the next.
TTFN
Travel
We began our Journey on October 7th 2014 at DIA. The part of the group that was traveling together all met up before we went through security. Not the best picture but here is our wonderful group!
We had dinner in Newark as we waited for the long flight to begin. 14 Hours from Newark, NJ to New Dehli, India. Boarding the plane was a little scary because I had no Idea what I was in for with a 14 hour flight! It wasn't too bad, Honestly. Sleeping was fairly easy on the way there, There was enough room to get up and walk around the plane, and the kids sitting around was were all fairly quiet. Much different than our flight back from Germany!
This is a view on descent into New Dehli, India. I was in awe as I saw the nighttime views. Knowing we were in another country and wondering how things would be. We landed at 9pm-ish and had to spend the rest of the night in the airport until our flight to Kathmandu the next morning. The first two-ish hours were spent in customs making sure everything was in order with our passports and our bags. After that we went through security checkpoint to make it into the main terminal. Thankfully the airport was very posh. We were able to get food and do some shopping (they even had a Haggen Daas Ice cream place!) and all seemed well. After a couple more hours we went to the terminal to try to sleep and/or wait for the flight. Kevin and I crashed on the floor behind a row of chairs for about an hour or so....couldn't handle any more than that as the floor was not very comfy! FINALLY the next morning we took our flight to Kathmandu, eager for our adventures to start. After a bumpy landing we made it to the foreign terminal and were able to go through customs, get our visas, exchange money, and get the heck out of airports (at least for a day!).
I'll stop there for this entry and talk about our day in Kathmandu in the next.
TTFN
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Out with the old, in with the new
It's startling how much things can change with a new year. If you think about it logically they really shouldn't. It's another day. A turning of a page on a calendar which is nothing more than a sheet of paper. So why is it that everything seems to shift every time a new year starts? Is it our intentions and goals that we set for ourself? Our expectations? Is it because our mindfulness changes? Do we just do this to ourselves when we really don't have to? God I hope so.
2014 was My year of Discovery, and it lived up to that goal. I discovered a lot about myself, my relationships, my wants and needs, my recovery, and a great deal of other things. All in all I think it turned out to be a pretty fantastic year for me.
2015 isn't starting out so hot. My year of Education. I deemed it that because I'm starting school again. I'm taking my last pre requisite this semester and then I start the vet tech program in the fall. I'm very excited about this. In deeming this my year of education I didn't think I would be prepared for all that meant. There have already been a lot of life lessons added to the equation that I wasn't prepared to be a part of the overall picture. I've had some rough, frustrating days lately, and I can totally see this as a part of my year of education. But I have dealt with those things pretty well thus far. That's been my lesson this month, I think. Shit happens, you can deal with it.
So to summarize, so far it's been trying, but not bad. I'll get the hang of this thing called living one of these days :)
TTFN
2014 was My year of Discovery, and it lived up to that goal. I discovered a lot about myself, my relationships, my wants and needs, my recovery, and a great deal of other things. All in all I think it turned out to be a pretty fantastic year for me.
2015 isn't starting out so hot. My year of Education. I deemed it that because I'm starting school again. I'm taking my last pre requisite this semester and then I start the vet tech program in the fall. I'm very excited about this. In deeming this my year of education I didn't think I would be prepared for all that meant. There have already been a lot of life lessons added to the equation that I wasn't prepared to be a part of the overall picture. I've had some rough, frustrating days lately, and I can totally see this as a part of my year of education. But I have dealt with those things pretty well thus far. That's been my lesson this month, I think. Shit happens, you can deal with it.
So to summarize, so far it's been trying, but not bad. I'll get the hang of this thing called living one of these days :)
TTFN
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
A tragic week
On Monday the entire world received the excruciating news that Robin Williams was dead. He committed suicide.
It took me a couple of days to process this news. To go through the phases if you will. There was the shock, the disbelief, etc. Today I hit grief. I can't remember of another actor ever causing a response like this from me. Honestly I feel a little silly, crying over the death of someone I didn't even know personally.
But then I think, maybe I did. Maybe everybody did. He was one of the most honest and human celebrities I've ever known of. He was very open about the fact that he was human, both in his comedy and outside of it. He was bipolar, and he suffered from alcoholism. People say it amazes them that a man that so many people loved so much could be so depressed. That part of it surprises me the least. But why, if he was so open about his struggles, did this one still get him? That's what I have a hard time understanding.
I have a very personal understanding of the place he was in. It is a feeling and mindset that anybody who has never been there cannot understand. It is a pain unlike any other pain. A loneliness and isolation you can't escape from. I've been in that place. Thank God I wasn't alone when I was. I'm very sad that he was.
I'm pretty sure that this was not his first fight with this demon. It's feels a little weird, but it gives me hope that he made it as long as he did, that he beat back the demon for as long as he did. It also scares me that he wasn't able to beat it this time. It makes me want to fight my own demon even harder. To try a little more.
He has been called a comedic genius. I agree. I think he was a genius. Unfortunately genius seems to always come along with a host of other problems. You're just able to channel those problems to make something amazing come out of it. I think that's what he was able to do with his bipolar. He was able to channel the "mania" into the amazing comic that we all knew, and he was able to channel the dramatic roles from the other end of his bipolar spectrum.
It makes me sad to know that such a great man's last moments consisted of such pain and depression and loneliness. It makes my heart hurt. I hope he is at peace now. He deserves it.
Rest In Peace Robin Williams
I'm not sure if this link will work, but this is my favorite of his :)http://youtu.be/LSXMS8ABAAU
It took me a couple of days to process this news. To go through the phases if you will. There was the shock, the disbelief, etc. Today I hit grief. I can't remember of another actor ever causing a response like this from me. Honestly I feel a little silly, crying over the death of someone I didn't even know personally.
But then I think, maybe I did. Maybe everybody did. He was one of the most honest and human celebrities I've ever known of. He was very open about the fact that he was human, both in his comedy and outside of it. He was bipolar, and he suffered from alcoholism. People say it amazes them that a man that so many people loved so much could be so depressed. That part of it surprises me the least. But why, if he was so open about his struggles, did this one still get him? That's what I have a hard time understanding.
I have a very personal understanding of the place he was in. It is a feeling and mindset that anybody who has never been there cannot understand. It is a pain unlike any other pain. A loneliness and isolation you can't escape from. I've been in that place. Thank God I wasn't alone when I was. I'm very sad that he was.
I'm pretty sure that this was not his first fight with this demon. It's feels a little weird, but it gives me hope that he made it as long as he did, that he beat back the demon for as long as he did. It also scares me that he wasn't able to beat it this time. It makes me want to fight my own demon even harder. To try a little more.
He has been called a comedic genius. I agree. I think he was a genius. Unfortunately genius seems to always come along with a host of other problems. You're just able to channel those problems to make something amazing come out of it. I think that's what he was able to do with his bipolar. He was able to channel the "mania" into the amazing comic that we all knew, and he was able to channel the dramatic roles from the other end of his bipolar spectrum.
It makes me sad to know that such a great man's last moments consisted of such pain and depression and loneliness. It makes my heart hurt. I hope he is at peace now. He deserves it.
Rest In Peace Robin Williams
I'm not sure if this link will work, but this is my favorite of his :)http://youtu.be/LSXMS8ABAAU
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
General Updates for 2014
This year has been a hell of a ride. And the ride isn't going to stop any time soon. Here's a little about what's been going on.
Jack is in kindergarten this year. We had to make a choice as to whether we would send him this year or next because he has a late August birthday and the cutoff is September 15th. Wading through the pro's and con's and all of the opinions of all of the people who have and have not had to make that choice is enough to make your head implode. I honestly don't wish that decision upon anybody. Maybe it's easier for some people than others, but that was definitely not the case for us. Alas we came to the decision that we would send him. He's done well. He still has issues with fine motor skills so writing is a struggle, but he is reading very well and mostly on track. I'm glad for that. He has grown so much this year socially and academically so I'm really glad we sent him for those reasons too. I don't think that would have happened had he been made to do another year of preschool. But on the other side he is very immature still. He has a hard time asking for help when he doesn't understand something, he can't sit still long enough to get everything done, and he's still slow when he does do his work. I know these are all things that will even out over time, but I hate seeing my baby struggle so that's been rough. All we can do now is see what happens with first grade.
Riley is in 2nd grade. She tests in the 97th percentile and above on basically everything. The day I have dreaded came the other day. She finally told me that she is bored in school because things are too easy for her. She still handles it well but I fear that it will end up skewing her perception of school and she'll stop trying as hard. I know I have a while before that happens still but I want to do what I can to avoid it. Hopefully as she progresses to higher grades things will become more challenging. Thus far her only challenge has been handwriting, but she finally decided to take that challenge more seriously this year and has improved dramatically.
Kevin is still at HP. He's constantly overwhelmed and stressed at work and it affects him. He tries his hardest not to bring it home and I am thankful for that, but I worry about him because there is only so much stress one can take and they just keep piling more on his plate. We will be married 10 years this June. I'm so thankful for him every day of my life. I probably don't show him enough how grateful I am for him. He has a goiter that is HUGE right on the left side of his thyroid. The Dr. has done multiple tests and it is benign, but it affects him, especially when he's sick. I think eventually he will get it removed. It might not happen this year because we had to go back to buying our own insurance, and thanks to certain laws enacted it's costing us a ton more than it ever has.
What about me, you ask? where do I start?
I decided this year is going to be a year of adventure and discovery for me. I'm trying really hard to change my perspective of the things that happen in my life. Up till this point I've had a very black and white attitude about things. This year I'm giving things a chance before I decide, and deciding I don't have to be so decisive. It's been working well so far. Thanks to an amazing yoga teacher, I handled winter this year better than I have in years. I was able to let it be what it was and not be AS cranky about it. I started school in January. I've been taking Biology and Veterinary Medical Terminology for the past 5 months. I have enjoyed it SO much and done extremely well in both classes. I have to figure out a math class and then I can start the Vet Tech program. Both of the kids will be in school full time so I'm really looking forward to it.
The thing I'm the most excited about is that Kevin and I are taking a 2 week trip to Nepal this fall with an amazing group of conservationists. The group works with Rhino conservation. I'm so excited about this trip I can't see straight. We will get to take a plane ride up around Mt. Everest, visit Bardia National Park, Chitwan and Shivapuri also. We will get to go rafting, hiking, search for wild elephants and rhinos, and bathe the park elephants in the river. This is like a dream come true for me. We had our first meeting with the group the other night which just made it even more real for me. I tried indian food for the first time too. Most of it was good! I did NOT like the green stuff though!
I'm mostly recovered from ED now. There aren't many times I even pay attention to it anymore. This week has been hard but I know it will pass and every day I feel more and more in tune with myself and what I really need. Body acceptance is still my biggest hurdle but even that is better than it has ever been so I'm in a good place and will keep working until I can call myself completely recovered!
This week has been hard. I think it's mostly just because I'm hormonal but I feel really sad this week. It's extremely hard for me when I feel like this because I don't think anybody really understands my feelings and I end up feeling really isolated, and end up isolating myself even more. I know this about myself but it's something I need to work on more because I still always go with my normal coping mechanism of isolating myself and it's not good for me or anybody else.
I got another weim in November. His name is Achilles. He has issues, he's 5 years old, and I love him to death. I know we've had the other 2 for a long time and I love them both so much, but I feel a different sort of connection with Achilles. Maybe because he's not perfect. I guess I know what it's like for people to turn their back on you even though you can't help being how you are.
Anyways that's enough for now. I have to go volunteer at the school. Dave was supposed to come talk to Jacks class today but had to cancel because they moved his meeting with the WWF to today instead of tomorrow. I'm disappointed. I'm having a hard time dealing with that too because I'm already so sad and keep blaming myself and telling myself it's because of me. I need to stop it because it's not the truth. Shit happens. It's just another in a series of events that have not gone right this week. It's just my turn to have a week of Mondays. I just make it harder on myself by beating myself up. Ok I said I was stopping so I'm stopping now.
TTFN
Theresa
Jack is in kindergarten this year. We had to make a choice as to whether we would send him this year or next because he has a late August birthday and the cutoff is September 15th. Wading through the pro's and con's and all of the opinions of all of the people who have and have not had to make that choice is enough to make your head implode. I honestly don't wish that decision upon anybody. Maybe it's easier for some people than others, but that was definitely not the case for us. Alas we came to the decision that we would send him. He's done well. He still has issues with fine motor skills so writing is a struggle, but he is reading very well and mostly on track. I'm glad for that. He has grown so much this year socially and academically so I'm really glad we sent him for those reasons too. I don't think that would have happened had he been made to do another year of preschool. But on the other side he is very immature still. He has a hard time asking for help when he doesn't understand something, he can't sit still long enough to get everything done, and he's still slow when he does do his work. I know these are all things that will even out over time, but I hate seeing my baby struggle so that's been rough. All we can do now is see what happens with first grade.
Riley is in 2nd grade. She tests in the 97th percentile and above on basically everything. The day I have dreaded came the other day. She finally told me that she is bored in school because things are too easy for her. She still handles it well but I fear that it will end up skewing her perception of school and she'll stop trying as hard. I know I have a while before that happens still but I want to do what I can to avoid it. Hopefully as she progresses to higher grades things will become more challenging. Thus far her only challenge has been handwriting, but she finally decided to take that challenge more seriously this year and has improved dramatically.
Kevin is still at HP. He's constantly overwhelmed and stressed at work and it affects him. He tries his hardest not to bring it home and I am thankful for that, but I worry about him because there is only so much stress one can take and they just keep piling more on his plate. We will be married 10 years this June. I'm so thankful for him every day of my life. I probably don't show him enough how grateful I am for him. He has a goiter that is HUGE right on the left side of his thyroid. The Dr. has done multiple tests and it is benign, but it affects him, especially when he's sick. I think eventually he will get it removed. It might not happen this year because we had to go back to buying our own insurance, and thanks to certain laws enacted it's costing us a ton more than it ever has.
What about me, you ask? where do I start?
I decided this year is going to be a year of adventure and discovery for me. I'm trying really hard to change my perspective of the things that happen in my life. Up till this point I've had a very black and white attitude about things. This year I'm giving things a chance before I decide, and deciding I don't have to be so decisive. It's been working well so far. Thanks to an amazing yoga teacher, I handled winter this year better than I have in years. I was able to let it be what it was and not be AS cranky about it. I started school in January. I've been taking Biology and Veterinary Medical Terminology for the past 5 months. I have enjoyed it SO much and done extremely well in both classes. I have to figure out a math class and then I can start the Vet Tech program. Both of the kids will be in school full time so I'm really looking forward to it.
The thing I'm the most excited about is that Kevin and I are taking a 2 week trip to Nepal this fall with an amazing group of conservationists. The group works with Rhino conservation. I'm so excited about this trip I can't see straight. We will get to take a plane ride up around Mt. Everest, visit Bardia National Park, Chitwan and Shivapuri also. We will get to go rafting, hiking, search for wild elephants and rhinos, and bathe the park elephants in the river. This is like a dream come true for me. We had our first meeting with the group the other night which just made it even more real for me. I tried indian food for the first time too. Most of it was good! I did NOT like the green stuff though!
I'm mostly recovered from ED now. There aren't many times I even pay attention to it anymore. This week has been hard but I know it will pass and every day I feel more and more in tune with myself and what I really need. Body acceptance is still my biggest hurdle but even that is better than it has ever been so I'm in a good place and will keep working until I can call myself completely recovered!
This week has been hard. I think it's mostly just because I'm hormonal but I feel really sad this week. It's extremely hard for me when I feel like this because I don't think anybody really understands my feelings and I end up feeling really isolated, and end up isolating myself even more. I know this about myself but it's something I need to work on more because I still always go with my normal coping mechanism of isolating myself and it's not good for me or anybody else.
I got another weim in November. His name is Achilles. He has issues, he's 5 years old, and I love him to death. I know we've had the other 2 for a long time and I love them both so much, but I feel a different sort of connection with Achilles. Maybe because he's not perfect. I guess I know what it's like for people to turn their back on you even though you can't help being how you are.
Anyways that's enough for now. I have to go volunteer at the school. Dave was supposed to come talk to Jacks class today but had to cancel because they moved his meeting with the WWF to today instead of tomorrow. I'm disappointed. I'm having a hard time dealing with that too because I'm already so sad and keep blaming myself and telling myself it's because of me. I need to stop it because it's not the truth. Shit happens. It's just another in a series of events that have not gone right this week. It's just my turn to have a week of Mondays. I just make it harder on myself by beating myself up. Ok I said I was stopping so I'm stopping now.
TTFN
Theresa
Monday, September 16, 2013
I got ditched......again......for the past two weeks in a row now......
It's not really a surprise to me. It's happened so often I honestly don't know why it even hurts me anymore. Or why I keep trying. I'm so tired of it all. I feel so isolated. Like I just don't belong anywhere, or with anybody.
I'm tired of trying. I really don't think I can do it anymore. I can't tell myself it's not me and I can't put myself out there. It hurts too much.
Guess I just need time to cry, and figure out how to move on from here with a new set of circumstances. oh well
It's not really a surprise to me. It's happened so often I honestly don't know why it even hurts me anymore. Or why I keep trying. I'm so tired of it all. I feel so isolated. Like I just don't belong anywhere, or with anybody.
I'm tired of trying. I really don't think I can do it anymore. I can't tell myself it's not me and I can't put myself out there. It hurts too much.
Guess I just need time to cry, and figure out how to move on from here with a new set of circumstances. oh well
Sunday, June 30, 2013
For Tanja
I hadn't talked to you in a long time. You had gone your way and I had gone mine. Like everybody else when you slipped away, I thought it was me. I didn't try too hard for too long. I never do. So I hadn't talked to you in at least a year. But I feel like I still had a connection with you. The first time I met you in group I had you pegged. I knew EXACTLY who you were, because you were so much like me. Your emotions ruled you. We hung out from time to time after group and chatted about random things. I knew you struggled. I knew there was a layer beyond what you shared in group. But you seemed to be happier and doing well. You were working so hard to get your life in order and work out the kinks. I remember the last time I talked to you. You seemed like you were still in a good place. Neither one of us had been to group in a while, but you sounded content, and I was happy that you were doing well. Now here I am finding out that you had a downhill spiral that you couldn't recover from. It makes me sad to know that I didn't know. That I couldn't help. You always inspired me with your love of animals. I have the same love and I looked up to you for everything you did. The deep devotion that you had to your work. I hope I can carry on your legacy in some way. I'll devote myself in both of our names. The world was lucky to have known you Tanja Pliler. I hope you have found peace.
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