I realized something today. I realized something very deep and important to me. Something that could potentially change everything for me. It scares the living daylights out of me to think about letting it in, and yet I look at it with such longing and need for it that I don't know how to not let it in. Today I realized who I am and why I feel like I have been chasing my tail for so long.

My whole life I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted so badly for my children to know and feel all the love and patience and total adoration I had to give them. I knew I wanted to stay at home with them and be that mom that could give her children the gift of herself while they were young and impressionable. There were also things about being a stay at home mom that I didn't realize were part of the package. The isolation, the housework, the redundancy, days of whining, cranky, thankless children, worrying, sleep deprivation, etc. I didn't realize the days of the awesome payoffs of being a stay at home mom were often very few and far between.

I had a really hard time dealing with becoming a mother. Somewhere between the trauma that was my first childbirth experience, the hellish recovery, the postpartum depression, and feeling like nobody really understood what I was going through, I became anorexic.

When my daughter was about 11 months old I was finally able to admit that I had a problem and seek treatment. I did pretty well with it and by the time she was 2 and a half and I became pregnant again I felt like I was in a good place to have a healthy pregnancy and did everything I could to make sure that happened. And it did. My son was born healthy and happy and I was hopeful that this crappy part of my past was behind me.

I was wrong. Anorexia came back with a vengeance. I was a little quicker to get help this time but it was a harder fight. I felt like I was never going to be normal again. I felt pretty hopeless and everything I did in treatment at first was for my kids and my husband. Making sure I did it for them was the only way I could keep going. I had no self esteem and could not really fathom doing it for myself. There were some pretty dark times but, for the sake of my kids, I persisted. I was told that it would eventually get better. That you had to do the work before you could see the rewards.

Slowly the rewards started to trickle in. Every small step was celebrated. I really believed that if I kept going and got better that I could put this all behind me. That I could be ok and I could put this all behind me. It's been 3 years now and I came SO CLOSE. And then once again anorexia has come knocking on the door and I answered. But this time I couldn't understand WHY. I have worked so hard to move past this part of my life and it keeps coming back. WHY?!?!? I have learned to cope with things that I thought were a problem. One might come up once in a while but I'm pretty good at beating those things back. So then WHY is this happening again???

Then this morning as I was going through my list of stresses and what potential good could come of those things, something hit me like a ton of bricks. None of these things is REALLY the problem. None of these things is what keeps me on this endless cycle that makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail.  It is the fact that I've been trying to find myself, when all along I know who I am but can't be that person. I was raised to not be that person. It was engrained in me when I was growing up that the minute you have a family you cease to exist. From that point on you live for your children and do only what is best for them regardless of what you do or don't want.

And I really think that is why Ed (eating disorder) stepped in. To cope with the fact that in a day I went from a person to a care vessel that doesn't mean anything to anyone. Or at least that's the way I saw it and largely still do.

The problem with this revelation is that I don't know if there IS any way to fix it. Just time. Once the kids are grown up maybe I can regain a little bit of myself. I dunno. If there is ANYTHING left by then. I've been encouraged to do things for myself before and never have followed through. I think that is why. Because I truly believe that it's not acceptable for me to do that. But I tell people I will try just to appease them. And for a minute it makes me feel better to think of the possibility.

that's all I've got for now.
TTFN

Runnin'

Just got back from a run with my hunny :) I'm really glad he is trying this out with me. I'm so excited that we can do this together. We are just starting out still. This is our 2nd week. And we are in barefoot shoes, So the process is very slow but I don't really mind. We can only really go up and down our street right now anyways so It's a good start.

I've been thinking way too much lately. Some days it's good. Some days not so much. Today I decided I'm lonely but I SUCK at letting people in. Sometimes I'm reserved for good reason but other cases I can't really even understand myself. My husband for instance. He is always ALWAYS there for me no matter what. But I have a dang hard time getting support even from him if it is not in exactly the way that I want it. But I don't realize this is going on in my head. So I get irritated with him and shut him out. Then I don't even really understand what happened I just know that now I am irritated AND lonely. I hate my brain sometimes.

The kids are going to be out of school in like 5 weeks. I don't feel prepared. I don't know what I'm going to do with them all summer. It shouldn't be that much different as neither one of them is in school full time anyways. But GAH!

And if anyone knows where I can find some decent sand toys let me know! I've been looking around at the big box stores but nothing has really made me go ooooohhhhh yet. Maybe nothing will. They are just sand toys afterall. Maybe mediocrity is where it's at.

Reading the hunger games (finally!) and haven't seen the movie yet so no spoilers! (Not that anyone really reads this anyways. lol.

Off to read.
TTFN!

The Journey of a Thousand Miles.....yadda yadda yadda

Ok so I haven't posted anything since November. Where do I start? I've been thinking a lot lately about schools. The school we have Riley in is amazing and I couldn't ask for more and I really believe in what they're doing. And although I'm no expert and I do believe different types of schools can make a difference for different children, I haven't heard any raving reviews about any other schools here locally lately. I've talked to a couple of other mommy cohorts about the schools they have their little ones in and it amazes me to hear the things I do. One wasn't happy because her son wasn't being challenged enough. Upon a little more conversation I find out her son doesn't know a thing about alphabetical order in the middle of first grade. Another one was upset because her daughter was still doing things that were way too easy for her in kindergarten. Through all of this I just kept thinking how grateful I am for finding the school we did. I'm still a little worried about whether or not Jack is going to be ready for kindergarten at the younger age or not. He is SO close to the cutoff date and still is pretty immature in a school readiness sense even now in preschool. But we will just have to wait and see what will be best for him come next year at registration time. No sense in pushing a decision when he still has a year to mature, right?

I have also been thinking about seasons of my life a lot lately. In a couple of different ways I think I've been WAY off balance here. I'm living too much in my past seasons and not enough in my current one. And comparing the two. I really need to find out more of what my current season has to offer. Also I'm pushing away winter. I can see spring just ahead and I'm really eager to get there. I've even felt a few warm spring-like days lately and I'm getting really impatient for the change to just happen already, which just throws me farther back into winter. I need to be more patient with myself and just be where I am knowing I have the intention of moving forward slowly.
(I don't know if that'll make sense to people but we shall see )

Figuring out what I need my purpose in life to be has been a fun one too lately. I won't go in depth with the thought process again but it's been there, burning a hole in my brain and I still don't have it figured out. I'm sure I will in due time, I'm just not there yet.

But in the meantime I think I am going to try to make rice krispy treats with the kiddos tomorrow and just be happy for where I am, and try to remember that one saying that goes something like.....the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.....or whatever it is. I'm just going to be happy for where I am tomorrow. And at that I bid you goodnight
TTFN

Doggies

So we had a really scary experience with Brogan today. He was sitting by the stairs after lunch as my parents were getting ready to leave and just looking.....not well. So I approached him to try to see what was wrong, and he was shaking pretty bad. Then he started groaning. So I got him to come lay down on the floor while I was calling CSU vet hospital and he wouldn't relax his back legs and he was still shaking and groaning. So I got everything set up to take him in, put Winny in her kennel (she was NOT happy to be left behind and let us know that very loudly as we left), and got Brogan in the car. Of course by the time we get to the dang hospital he is perfectly fine.......Damn Dogs.......But I'm relieved that he is ok and we still had them do an exam on him to make sure and they had 2 docs look at him and it probably cost us less than a normal vet visit so I guess I can't complain too much. Everybody there gushed over him too because he is such a well behaved, laid back, handsome little man and he stole everybody's hearts like he always does. I love my puppies :)

a late night rant

I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related.  I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much. 
TTFN

Changes on the Horizon

Ok so it's been a few months since I've posted anything. There is a LOT going on right now.

Riley just got done with preschool! I will have a Kindergartener in the fall! I'm so excited for her and so nervous at the same time. We got into one of the schools we chose for her, Liberty Common, it's a Charter School here in Fort Collins. It is becoming a 12 year school too so she and Jack will be there through high school if all goes according to plan. Riley also rode her bike by herself with no training wheels the other day! It was just a short ride but I was SO proud of her for even taking that chance. She is growing up so fast. I am giving her and my two nephews violin lessons this summer. I've only given her one so far but she is very excited and I think she will do well as long as I can get her to focus.

Jack is going to be starting preschool in the fall. He is so excited he can't see straight. He asks me to tell him about his new school every night when he goes to bed. He is a little monkey! He is so active and all over the place and half the time I just don't know what to do with him. We've been going through a finger smashing phase lately. First he got them caught in the hinge of the dryer door. Then a couple of days later got them slammed in the car door. We got to go to the doctor for that one. He was fine but I freaked out! And it's just been more of the same for the past two weeks. This morning Riley closed his finger in her bedroom door! I just hope he makes it to preschool with all of his fingers at this point.

Kevin is still working at HP. He finally got going on the upstairs bathroom and after sooooo long waiting the end is in sight. He has pretty much rebuilt the entire bathroom and I am so proud of him. This week we will be able to put the floor in and then we will be on to tiling the shower which is the last major project! He is such a patient, kind, loving, amazing man and I am so lucky to be able to share my life with him.

I am feeling more like my old self than I have in a long time. I'm not recovered by any means, but farther along in recovery than I have ever been. I still have hard times, and I still expect to for a while, but I can cope with them better now and it doesn't take weeks to get over one bad day. I just noticed the other day that I was really there, really present, when we went to the park to teach Riley to ride her bike, and it was amazing and I was so thankful for that. I have just floated by in such a zombie state for so long now, and I feel like I've missed so much. I was glad just to be there for that. I'm becoming more that way every day too.

I have a new friend. Her name is Jackie, and she is my angel. She is just an amazing person and she helps me SO much and she is so easy to talk to I feel like I have known her forever. She and her boyfriend came over tonight for a BBQ and we had a really good time. I feel like she's filled a hole in my life.

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite time of year. I am so ready for the warmth and sunshine. It wasn't even a bad winter and it was just horrid for me. I'm ready to leave it behind. I got some barefoot shoes and I'm going to learn to run in them this summer. I just have to find a time that works for me to do it. But that shouldn't be too hard because I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to go to bed and get ready to give my nephews their first violin lessons tomorrow. :o) I'm so excited!

TTFN

Ok I'm back to wondering why I keep doing this. I'm back to wondering why I try to have friends at all. It's frustrating as hell to me, not to mention depressing, to keep thinking people like me and actually want to be around me, then to continually find out otherwise. Hell I guess it gives me more time for housework, right? Ok maybe I'm just lonely or something but I really, really, REALLY feel at this point that I don't have a single friend that's not in it because they feel bad for me. I guess the cycle continues and again I am at a point in my life where I am an invisible loser. I guess it was bound to happen I just really had the hope that it wouldn't. It just sucks because every single time I start thinking I'm developing a friendship with someone I get so excited, and I just get crushed every single time. This is why I question my husband's love sometimes. I know that sounds pathetic, but how can one man love me so much when obviously the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me? I feel like he's just doing it out of pity too. But I have learned that he is honest and he wouldn't do that so I trust him. I just don't understand it. Anyways I didn't mean this to be a pity me post but hell what does it matter, I'm the only one that reads it anyways. I guess I'm done for now.

TTFN