I'm really frustrated with things right now. Mostly myself I guess. I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore. I'm freaking out about my weight. I dunno. Kevin says I'm still not to where I should be yet. I know the Dr. told me the last time I was there that my weight was better than it was before....which I guess to me says I'm where I "should be". I know I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is a disgusting fat blob. I think about it all the time. I want to cry all the time. Hell I don't even know why I am posting this. I probably shouldn't be, but I guess I am. I guess I am tired of trying to look normal....to FEEL normal....because I DON'T FEEL NORMAL! I mean logically, in my head, I know that I will always feel fat no matter what. But in my heart I know that if I just get back to where I was before I would feel SO much better about my body. I just want to be able to look normal. But I also want to be loved. And I guess I have come to know in my heart that when I'm worrying about all of this is when I am ugly, and not loved. It's like when everyone else loves me, I can't love myself. But when I feel proud of myself and feel like I might be able to love myself, nobody else loves me. I just wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. It's like a vice squeezing my brain. It hurts so badly all the damn time. I just want to scream and throw a fit. I am so scared. I have a little girl. She depends on me to help her with everything including forming an opinion of herself. If she ever feels this way about herself how would I live with that? She is SUCH a beautiful little girl. How could I ever make her feel like it's even remotely ok to hate herself. I dunno. I just feel hopeless. I feel like I am just going to be stuck with this forever. I guess I just needed to vent. To hopefully make someone realize that it's not worth it to hate your body. Whatever it may be. Ok well I am done for now. Hopefully my next post will be a little more uplifting.
TTFN
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Is it me?
YAY! My wonderful, loving, ever considerate husband brought me home a loaner computer from work while we figure out the best way to get mine fixed so that I am not computerless anymore. Although I do have to say that not having a computer has probably been one of the best things for me in my recovery (though I really hate to admit it) and I really want to continue to not rely on it and hide behind it. So I have put that out there and holding you accountable to hold me accountable to not do that. k.
Now that that's out of the way where do I start?? I'm in a very strange place in my recovery right now. I can see and pretty much easily recognize what is good for me and what is not......yet I still basically throw fits over the fact that I cannot do or partake in the stuff that is not good for me. This does by no means have to do with food, mind you. This is anything from the people I surround myself with to the things I choose to look up on the internet or just what I decide to give my time and attention to. To give you an example, I had a friend from highschool on my facebook page for a while. She very recently had a kid. VERY recently. Anyways she posted a status about how much she LOVED what she was seeing on the scale. I decided to speak out because I didn't feel this was right. I commented to her and told her not to let her self worth be dictated by a number on a piece of metal, and that she was a good person of how high or low that number is. I was REALLY proud of myself for this and just the fact that I spoke out at all was a HUGE thing for me. So she comments back to me and TOTALLY ignored everything I posted to her and just started gushing.....directly to me this time.....about how much she LOVES the number on the scale and she has not seen it since seventh grade, but still needs to tone up blah blah blah.......I walked away and ED (Eating Disorder) was beating me over the head with a stick ALL day after that. The next day lo and behold she posts pictures of how she looks a week post-baby. I had to delete her as a friend. I had to tell myself that this is not healthy for me. She is trying to get attention for what she looks like and this is exactly what I am trying to get away from. Yet I still feel bad that I did it and I am beating myself up for the fact that I can't handle that stuff. I feel like I am a bad person or something. So that's where I am with THAT.
On another note the kiddos are doing WONDERFUL. We went to Riley's parent teacher conference this morning. The kid is a genius. They grade them on different criteria using 3 different grades. NY(not yet) S (Sometimes, Progressing) and R (Ready, Does Consistently). Of course they have the different things they grade them on....everything from gross motor skills to following directions and reading and writing etc. She got ALL R's. Her teachers say that rarely ever happens. We are SO proud of her. She is challenging in the fact that she is a perfectionist though. She won't even TRY to do something if she is not confident that she can do it right. That can be very frustrating at times.
Jack is such a boy. He is 18 months old now and he is all over the place. I can't keep up with him. He is into everything. He is adorable though. We have been learning to sign with him more because he is male, and communication is just not a strong point. He is picking up the signing pretty well, but he is starting to talk more too. It is still just one word here and there and he still screams and points a lot but I'm sure we'll get there eventually.
Yoga is going very well for me and it's probably the one thing I have for me right now that I am absolutely loving. I'm just going twice a week right now because I have to find time where I will have babysitters and kevin will be home and such, but I think I am going to take the kids to the child care so I will be able to go at least one more day a week, so that is exciting.
Kevin is going out of town next week and Riley is on spring break so we will have all week to ourselves. I need to go feed the kiddos and get Riley to her play date now so I'm sure I will be back frequently this week, but that's all I've got for now. TTFN.
Now that that's out of the way where do I start?? I'm in a very strange place in my recovery right now. I can see and pretty much easily recognize what is good for me and what is not......yet I still basically throw fits over the fact that I cannot do or partake in the stuff that is not good for me. This does by no means have to do with food, mind you. This is anything from the people I surround myself with to the things I choose to look up on the internet or just what I decide to give my time and attention to. To give you an example, I had a friend from highschool on my facebook page for a while. She very recently had a kid. VERY recently. Anyways she posted a status about how much she LOVED what she was seeing on the scale. I decided to speak out because I didn't feel this was right. I commented to her and told her not to let her self worth be dictated by a number on a piece of metal, and that she was a good person of how high or low that number is. I was REALLY proud of myself for this and just the fact that I spoke out at all was a HUGE thing for me. So she comments back to me and TOTALLY ignored everything I posted to her and just started gushing.....directly to me this time.....about how much she LOVES the number on the scale and she has not seen it since seventh grade, but still needs to tone up blah blah blah.......I walked away and ED (Eating Disorder) was beating me over the head with a stick ALL day after that. The next day lo and behold she posts pictures of how she looks a week post-baby. I had to delete her as a friend. I had to tell myself that this is not healthy for me. She is trying to get attention for what she looks like and this is exactly what I am trying to get away from. Yet I still feel bad that I did it and I am beating myself up for the fact that I can't handle that stuff. I feel like I am a bad person or something. So that's where I am with THAT.
On another note the kiddos are doing WONDERFUL. We went to Riley's parent teacher conference this morning. The kid is a genius. They grade them on different criteria using 3 different grades. NY(not yet) S (Sometimes, Progressing) and R (Ready, Does Consistently). Of course they have the different things they grade them on....everything from gross motor skills to following directions and reading and writing etc. She got ALL R's. Her teachers say that rarely ever happens. We are SO proud of her. She is challenging in the fact that she is a perfectionist though. She won't even TRY to do something if she is not confident that she can do it right. That can be very frustrating at times.
Jack is such a boy. He is 18 months old now and he is all over the place. I can't keep up with him. He is into everything. He is adorable though. We have been learning to sign with him more because he is male, and communication is just not a strong point. He is picking up the signing pretty well, but he is starting to talk more too. It is still just one word here and there and he still screams and points a lot but I'm sure we'll get there eventually.
Yoga is going very well for me and it's probably the one thing I have for me right now that I am absolutely loving. I'm just going twice a week right now because I have to find time where I will have babysitters and kevin will be home and such, but I think I am going to take the kids to the child care so I will be able to go at least one more day a week, so that is exciting.
Kevin is going out of town next week and Riley is on spring break so we will have all week to ourselves. I need to go feed the kiddos and get Riley to her play date now so I'm sure I will be back frequently this week, but that's all I've got for now. TTFN.
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