I'm really frustrated with things right now. Mostly myself I guess. I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore. I'm freaking out about my weight. I dunno. Kevin says I'm still not to where I should be yet. I know the Dr. told me the last time I was there that my weight was better than it was before....which I guess to me says I'm where I "should be". I know I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is a disgusting fat blob. I think about it all the time. I want to cry all the time. Hell I don't even know why I am posting this. I probably shouldn't be, but I guess I am. I guess I am tired of trying to look normal....to FEEL normal....because I DON'T FEEL NORMAL! I mean logically, in my head, I know that I will always feel fat no matter what. But in my heart I know that if I just get back to where I was before I would feel SO much better about my body. I just want to be able to look normal. But I also want to be loved. And I guess I have come to know in my heart that when I'm worrying about all of this is when I am ugly, and not loved. It's like when everyone else loves me, I can't love myself. But when I feel proud of myself and feel like I might be able to love myself, nobody else loves me. I just wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. It's like a vice squeezing my brain. It hurts so badly all the damn time. I just want to scream and throw a fit. I am so scared. I have a little girl. She depends on me to help her with everything including forming an opinion of herself. If she ever feels this way about herself how would I live with that? She is SUCH a beautiful little girl. How could I ever make her feel like it's even remotely ok to hate herself. I dunno. I just feel hopeless. I feel like I am just going to be stuck with this forever. I guess I just needed to vent. To hopefully make someone realize that it's not worth it to hate your body. Whatever it may be. Ok well I am done for now. Hopefully my next post will be a little more uplifting.

TTFN