Hard Start to the new year

I don't write anymore. I can't remember my last post on here without looking. So why am I doing this now? Who knows. I just gotta get it out I guess.

The end of 2015 was fantastic. I finished my first semester of Vet Tech school and damn-it I did GOOD. We bought an electric car which is pretty damn cool. I felt like I was finally at a point I might be able to call myself recovered. Everyone was healthy(minus kevin's cold) and I was in love with this life I was settling into. Then 2016 came around and from the first day shit's just been hard.

Winny came down with a limp on her left hindlimb on the 31st. We took her to the vet who took x-rays and said there was a possibility she might have a lytic lesion on the head of her femur. I spent the next week until the radiologist looked at the x-ray worrying myself sick. Upon further investigation of lytic lesions I found out that they're generally due to osteosarcoma......bone cancer......and while the head of the femur isn't a common place to find one they do generally occur in long bones. That was a bad week. The radiologist finally looked at the x-rays on the 6th and determined that there is no lesion there THANK GOD. And while my Winny-Girl is healthy, she's also old. She turned 12 years old on the 2nd and this whole experience has brought me to a point of having to come to terms with her eventual mortality. I'm still wondering if we'll see another birthday. She's my baby and whenever the time comes I will let her go, but mentally I'm not at peace with that yet. I don't know if I ever will be. Is it futile to try? Am I causing myself unneeded stress focusing more on that than the time I have left with her? I guess that right there is why I need to write this. I haven't asked myself these questions yet.

So right after we get the news about winny, and I mean RIGHT after.....30 minutes later to be exact, I'm sitting in the vet's office with Brogan who is limping on his right hind limb. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. Even though he was obviously in pain the little shit was being so stoic about it that I couldn't even illicit a pain response from him when I tried to figure out where the pain was coming from. Hip? Back? Stifle(Knee)? Ankle? Nothing......The doctor even had a hard time getting him to react to anything. But after much poking and prodding and a couple of x-rays we determined it to be a cruciate ligament injury in his knee. Only stretched or partially torn at this point thank goodness. We have him on anti-inflammitories and rest and have a good chance of getting it to heal without surgery which would be wonderful.

Ok so 2 dogs in 6 days with vet visits, x-rays, and prescription medications........I'm surprised my credit card didn't melt by the time we were done with the vet's office. Which is a whole other stressor to add into the mix.....finances. It always stresses me out when I have to spend money. Be it on myself, the kids, the dogs, the house, whatever. Amounts don't matter either. I have a really hard time even bringing myself to buy my kids a cookie once in a while. I know it's something that I need to work on but I hate dealing with finances so I leave Kevin in charge of our bank accounts which doesn't help me any because then I end up feeling like a kid asking for money all the time. I've got nothing on this one......no way to even begin to try to fix it........it frustrates me just thinking about it.

A couple days after all of the stuff with the dogs I got some very sad and unexpected news. I always talk to another parent when I'm standing outside waiting to pick up the kids. He and I have been chatting out front for years. I've met his kids and his wife several times and he's really nice people. Well I found out that his wife passed away from a heart attack on the 3rd. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know her well but I knew her enough that I said hello in passing and we recognized each other and chatted on occasion. She was 49 years old. I'm sad she's gone. But for me it also brings up a lot of fear because honestly that is probably my greatest fear in life......Dying while my kids are young. I honestly can't fathom it. And then yesterday I found out that her heart attack stemmed from an elective cosmetic surgery procedure she had done after Christmas. That really punched me in the gut and won't leave me at peace. I'm sad that she felt she had to go to such lengths to fit society's definition of beauty, and I'm pissed at society for making her feel as though she had to go to such lengths to fit in. After everything I've been through recovering from anorexia and then have someone die trying to fit beauty standards I've worked so hard to reject? I just can't wrap my head around it.

I had another experience with the animal shelter I volunteer at that has made me question some things as well but that's not something I can really get into here.

And then David Bowie died......more death and sadness

At the beginning of every year I think about what I want to get out of that year. 2015 was my year of education. I'm not ready for that to end so I've decided that 2016 will be my year of education and connection. There's a lot that goes in to connection, but I know what all it entails, and I think if I can just get through this rough patch it's going to turn out to be an amazing year.

I hope balance will find me soon and I won't be overwhelmed with all of the rough stuff for too much longer. I know they say when it rains it pours but I'm over monsoon season and ready for a little sunshine to peek through the clouds.
TTFN

Nepal Post 1 (Travel)

I figured I would try to go through a bit of what we did and saw in Nepal. It will probably be a pretty lengthy few posts but I'll try to get through it all pretty quickly

Travel

We began our Journey on October 7th 2014 at DIA. The part of the group that was traveling together all met up before we went through security. Not the best picture but here is our wonderful group!

Our first leg of the flight was from Denver, CO to Newark, NJ. It was a fairly short flight in between lunch and dinner, and being the first leg we were all very excited to be off on our Journey together.

This is a view from the plane as we were flying into Newark. You can't see it unless you zoom the picture but the statue of liberty is right in front of the wing!

We had dinner in Newark as we waited for the long flight to begin. 14 Hours from Newark, NJ to New Dehli, India. Boarding the plane was a little scary because I had no Idea what I was in for with a 14 hour flight! It wasn't too bad, Honestly. Sleeping was fairly easy on the way there, There was enough room to get up and walk around the plane, and the kids sitting around was were all fairly quiet. Much different than our flight back from Germany!

This is a view on descent into New Dehli, India. I was in awe as I saw the nighttime views. Knowing we were in another country and wondering how things would be. We landed at 9pm-ish and had to spend the rest of the night in the airport until our flight to Kathmandu the next morning. The first two-ish hours were spent in customs making sure everything was in order with our passports and our bags. After that we went through security checkpoint to make it into the main terminal. Thankfully the airport was very posh. We were able to get food and do some shopping (they even had a Haggen Daas Ice cream place!) and all seemed well. After a couple more hours we went to the terminal to try to sleep and/or wait for the flight. Kevin and I crashed on the floor behind a row of chairs for about an hour or so....couldn't handle any more than that as the floor was not very comfy! FINALLY the next morning we took our flight to Kathmandu, eager for our adventures to start. After a bumpy landing we made it to the foreign terminal and were able to go through customs, get our visas, exchange money, and get the heck out of airports (at least for a day!).
I'll stop there for this entry and talk about our day in Kathmandu in the next.
TTFN

Out with the old, in with the new

It's startling how much things can change with a new year. If you think about it logically they really shouldn't. It's another day. A turning of a page on a calendar which is nothing more than a sheet of paper. So why is it that everything seems to shift every time a new year starts? Is it our intentions and goals that we set for ourself? Our expectations? Is it because our mindfulness changes? Do we just do this to ourselves when we really don't have to? God I hope so.

2014 was My year of Discovery, and it lived up to that goal. I discovered a lot about myself, my relationships, my wants and needs, my recovery, and a great deal of other things. All in all I think it turned out to be a pretty fantastic year for me.

2015 isn't starting out so hot. My year of Education. I deemed it that because I'm starting school again. I'm taking my last pre requisite this semester and then I start the vet tech program in the fall. I'm very excited about this. In deeming this my year of education I didn't think I would be prepared for all that meant. There have already been a lot of life lessons added to the equation that I wasn't prepared to be a part of the overall picture. I've had some rough, frustrating days lately, and I can totally see this as a part of my year of education. But I have dealt with those things pretty well thus far. That's been my lesson this month, I think. Shit happens, you can deal with it.

So to summarize, so far it's been trying, but not bad. I'll get the hang of this thing called living one of these days :)

TTFN

A tragic week

On Monday the entire world received the excruciating news that Robin Williams was dead. He committed suicide.
     It took me a couple of days to process this news. To go through the phases if you will. There was the shock, the disbelief, etc. Today I hit grief. I can't remember of another actor ever causing a response like this from me. Honestly I feel a little silly, crying over the death of someone I didn't even know personally.
     But then I think, maybe I did. Maybe everybody did. He was one of the most honest and human celebrities I've ever known of.  He was very open about the fact that he was human, both in his comedy and outside of it. He was bipolar, and he suffered from alcoholism. People say it amazes them that a man that so many people loved so much could be so depressed. That part of it surprises me the least. But why, if he was so open about his struggles, did this one still get him? That's what I have a hard time understanding.
     I have a very personal understanding of the place he was in. It is a feeling and mindset that anybody who has never been there cannot understand. It is a pain unlike any other pain. A loneliness and isolation you can't escape from. I've been in that place. Thank God I wasn't alone when I was.  I'm very sad that he was.
    I'm pretty sure that this was not his first fight with this demon. It's feels a little weird, but it gives me hope that he made it as long as he did, that he beat back the demon for as long as he did. It also scares me that he wasn't able to beat it this time. It makes me want to fight my own demon even harder. To try a little more.
     He has been called a comedic genius. I agree. I think he was a genius. Unfortunately genius seems to always come along with a host of other problems. You're just able to channel those problems to make something amazing come out of it. I think that's what he was able to do with his bipolar. He was able to channel the "mania" into the amazing comic that we all knew, and he was able to channel the dramatic roles from the other end of his bipolar spectrum.
     It makes me sad to know that such a great man's last moments consisted of such pain and depression and loneliness. It makes my heart hurt. I hope he is at peace now. He deserves it.

Rest In Peace Robin Williams

 I'm not sure if this link will work, but this is my favorite of his :)http://youtu.be/LSXMS8ABAAU

General Updates for 2014

     This year has been a hell of a ride. And the ride isn't going to stop any time soon. Here's a little about what's been going on.

     Jack is in kindergarten this year. We had to make a choice as to whether we would send him this year or next because he has a late August birthday and the cutoff is September 15th. Wading through the pro's and con's and all of the opinions of all of the people who have and have not had to make that choice is enough to make your head implode. I honestly don't wish that decision upon anybody. Maybe it's easier for some people than others, but that was definitely not the case for us. Alas we came to the decision that we would send him. He's done well. He still has issues with fine motor skills so writing is a struggle, but he is reading very well and mostly on track. I'm glad for that. He has grown so much this year socially and academically so I'm really glad we sent him for those reasons too. I don't think that would have happened had he been made to do another year of preschool. But on the other side he is very immature still. He has a hard time asking for help when he doesn't understand something, he can't sit still long enough to get everything done, and he's still slow when he does do his work. I know these are all things that will even out over time, but I hate seeing my baby struggle so that's been rough. All we can do now is see what happens with first grade.
     Riley is in 2nd grade. She tests in the 97th percentile and above on basically everything. The day I have dreaded came the other day. She finally told me that she is bored in school because things are too easy for her. She still handles it well but I fear that it will end up skewing her perception of school and she'll stop trying as hard. I know I have a while before that happens still but I want to do what I can to avoid it. Hopefully as she progresses to higher grades things will become more challenging. Thus far her only challenge has been handwriting, but she finally decided to take that challenge more seriously this year and has improved dramatically.
     Kevin is still at HP. He's constantly overwhelmed and stressed at work and it affects him. He tries his hardest not to bring it home and I am thankful for that, but I worry about him because there is only so much stress one can take and they just keep piling more on his plate. We will be married 10 years this June. I'm so thankful for him every day of my life. I probably don't show him enough how grateful I am for him. He has a goiter that is HUGE right on the left side of his thyroid. The Dr. has done multiple tests and it is benign, but it affects him, especially when he's sick. I think eventually he will get it removed. It might not happen this year because we had to go back to buying our own insurance, and thanks to certain laws enacted it's costing us a ton more than it ever has.
    What about me, you ask? where do I start?
I decided this year is going to be a year of adventure and discovery for me. I'm trying really hard to change my perspective of the things that happen in my life. Up till this point I've had a very black and white attitude about things. This year I'm giving things a chance before I decide, and deciding I don't have to be so decisive. It's been working well so far. Thanks to an amazing yoga teacher, I handled winter this year better than I have in years. I was able to let it be what it was and not be AS cranky about it. I started school in January. I've been taking Biology and Veterinary Medical Terminology for the past 5 months. I have enjoyed it SO much and done extremely well in both classes. I have to figure out a math class and then I can start the Vet Tech program. Both of the kids will be in school full time so I'm really looking forward to it.
The thing I'm the most excited about is that Kevin and I are taking a 2 week trip to Nepal this fall with an amazing group of conservationists. The group works with Rhino conservation. I'm so excited about this trip I can't see straight. We will get to take a plane ride up around Mt. Everest, visit Bardia National Park, Chitwan and Shivapuri also. We will get to go rafting, hiking, search for wild elephants and rhinos, and bathe the park elephants in the river. This is like a dream come true for me. We had our first meeting with the group the other night which just made it even more real for me. I tried indian food for the first time too. Most of it was good! I did NOT like the green stuff though!
     I'm mostly recovered from ED now. There aren't many times I even pay attention to it anymore. This week has been hard but I know it will pass and every day I feel more and more in tune with myself and what I really need. Body acceptance is still my biggest hurdle but even that is better than it has ever been so I'm in a good place and will keep working until I can call myself completely recovered!
     This week has been hard. I think it's mostly just because I'm hormonal but I feel really sad this week. It's extremely hard for me when I feel like this because I don't think anybody really understands my feelings and I end up feeling really isolated, and end up isolating myself even more. I know this about myself but it's something I need to work on more because I still always go with my normal coping mechanism of isolating myself and it's not good for me or anybody else.
I got another weim in November. His name is Achilles. He has issues, he's 5 years old, and I love him to death. I know we've had the other 2 for a long time and I love them both so much, but I feel a different sort of connection with Achilles. Maybe because he's not perfect. I guess I know what it's like for people to turn their back on you even though you can't help being how you are.
Anyways that's enough for now. I have to go volunteer at the school. Dave was supposed to come talk to Jacks class today but had to cancel because they moved his meeting with the WWF to today instead of tomorrow. I'm disappointed. I'm having a hard time dealing with that too because I'm already so sad and keep blaming myself and telling myself it's because of me. I need to stop it because it's not the truth. Shit happens. It's just another in a series of events that have not gone right this week. It's just my turn to have a week of Mondays. I just make it harder on myself by beating myself up. Ok I said I was stopping so I'm stopping now.
TTFN
Theresa

I got ditched......again......for the past two weeks in a row now......

It's not really a surprise to me. It's happened so often I honestly don't know why it even hurts me anymore. Or why I keep trying. I'm so tired of it all. I feel so isolated. Like I just don't belong anywhere, or with anybody.

I'm tired of trying. I really don't think I can do it anymore. I can't tell myself it's not me and I can't put myself out there. It hurts too much.

Guess I just need time to cry, and figure out how to move on from here with a new set of circumstances. oh well

For Tanja

I hadn't talked to you in a long time. You had gone your way and I had gone mine. Like everybody else when you slipped away, I thought it was me. I didn't try too hard for too long. I never do. So I hadn't talked to you in at least a year. But I feel like I still had a connection with you. The first time I met you in group I had you pegged. I knew EXACTLY who you were, because you were so much like me. Your emotions ruled you. We hung out from time to time after group and chatted about random things. I knew you struggled. I knew there was a layer beyond what you shared in group. But you seemed to be happier and doing well. You were working so hard to get your life in order and work out the kinks. I remember the last time I talked to you. You seemed like you were still in a good place. Neither one of us had been to group in a while, but you sounded content, and I was happy that you were doing well. Now here I am finding out that you had a downhill spiral that you couldn't recover from. It makes me sad to know that I didn't know. That I couldn't help. You always inspired me with your love of animals. I have the same love and I looked up to you for everything you did. The deep devotion that you had to your work. I hope I can carry on your legacy in some way. I'll devote myself in both of our names. The world was lucky to have known you Tanja Pliler. I hope you have found peace.

What is Beauty?

Ok, there is this whole thing going about the internets. A dove beauty ad that shows how distorted women's views of themselves are. They take women, introduce them to a stranger, then have both that woman and the stranger they met talk to a sketch artist and each create a sketch of that woman. It is supposed to show how hard women are on themselves. It's creating a lot of buzz. People either love it or they hate it. It's celebrated or looked upon with malice. I haven't seen it. I've read a few comments about it from the celebrators and the critics, and I wanted to give my two cents on the main idea of the ad. The question that has some people jumping for joy at this ad, while at the same time has other people groaning and rolling their eyes. What is beauty?

First, I want to look at what Miriam Webster has to say about beauty.
Miriam Webster's Dictionary defines beauty as:

1. the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit



Now, A lot of critics are saying how damaging this ad is because they are still focusing on outward appearance as the main focus of the experiment. As in Oh hey I thought I was a dog but I guess other people don't see me that way, I must judge myself too harshly. While really the point should be there is a lot more to me than my outer appearance. While I agree that there is a lot more to people than their appearance, I think appearance is important as well.

Think about this......How many times have you gone all out, gotten all dolled up, and felt horrible and worthless afterwards? I know every time I get dressed up and fancy(as long as it's not too far out of my comfort zone) it makes me feel pretty awesome. Yet when you frump around the house in oversized sweats and holy shirts, your chances of feeling bad about yourself increase significantly. I don't think this has a single thing to do with the way you look when you're dressed up, though. I think it has to do with caring for yourself.

When you love something and care for it, you keep it polished, and pretty. Wether it is your dog, a favorite trinket, or anything else that is special. Why should your own self be any different? When you spend time on yourself to groom yourself and look good it's a very human way to show yourself that you are special and loved.

So then the question becomes, do other peoples opinions of what you look like matter?

This is a tougher question for me to answer. I think for people with high enough self esteem the answer to this is obviously no. But for those with little to no self esteem, that deem themselves worthless, I think it's important for them to know how people really see them. Again the reasoning is not what it seems. It's not because it's important for them to know that others find them attractive. Not at all. What's important about it is that most people with these self esteem issues project their opinions of themselves onto other people. An" I feel this way about me so everybody else feels the same way about me too". I think it's important for them to see that this is not reality. When you start letting other people develop their own opinions about you, a lot of room is freed up for other things besides the worry of how horrible you look to other people. It's pretty freeing.



So while I think what dove did is actually really awesome, I don't think they made the message clear enough. I think it does, to most people, feel like more of a - you're more beautiful than you think you are - than an - other people don't see me the same way I see myself - sort of thing. I think it was a good try, and I hope they keep trying because we really need more people to get these messages out to help combat all the you're not good enough, buy our stuff to be better crap we get flung at us from all directions all the time.

I know I'm still working on it myself, but I hope so much that someday we can change these stigmas of thin=beautiful and you have to be popular and have designer clothes and a clear face and a huge house and the best stuff to be loved. Because just being the happiest, best you, is the most beautiful thing in the world, at least to me :)
TTFN

Love and loss

     It's been a rough week. There has been a lot emotional bumps for me. The first one is hearing that Kevin's Grandmother passed away. I only met her once, and I know Kevin is not close to her, but she was still a part of the family, and it brings back other losses of grandparents and makes those feelings fresh again.
     Then the next day I heard that Mimi, an elephant at the Denver Zoo, has been put in hospice care. She is at least 53 years old and her health is starting to decline more rapidly. Her care takers believe it is just a matter of time now. I hate to have favorites amongst a species I adore so much. But Mimi is my girl. I just love her to pieces and hearing this tore me to shreds. I cried for half a day. I guess it's good to have time to prepare but this is not easy.

   Today I found out that Snow, Klondike's sister and one of Denver's Polar Bear miracles from 1994 passed away unexpectedly in her sleep last night at 17 years old. I was 11 years old when these two little guys were born. They were abandoned by their mother and hand raised at the Denver Zoo. I remember being in complete awe of the whole situation. I remember visiting them at the zoo nursery and seeing them laying there sucking on huge blocks of ice before they could even walk. I watched and listened to every story I could about them while they were growing up, following their every move. I cried when at a year old they were sent to their new home in Florida. I didn't think it was fair that after all the time spent loving and caring for them that they would just ship them off somewhere else. My 12 year old brain couldn't fathom it and didn't think it was fair at all. I went to visit them in Florida 8 years ago on my honeymoon. They've been a part of a HUGE chunk of my life. And now she is gone.
   

     So yeah, it's been a rough week. Made even rougher by the fact that everybody close to me does not really understand all of this loss and emotion. I am a very emotional person with a huge reliance on connections to people and things in my life so all of this has a more profound impact on me that it might have on other people. It feels pretty huge to me. It really sucks that I can't really share it with someone else close to me. I know I will be ok, I just get frustrated about that sometimes. It makes me feel isolated.

     On a positive note, On August 28th a new little girl was welcomed to the Elephant herd at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. She shares a birthday with my little man and she is a cutie. I celebrate and am so glad that they have had so much breeding success with these amazing animals. I hope some day I can be a part of something like that.

TTFN

I realized something today. I realized something very deep and important to me. Something that could potentially change everything for me. It scares the living daylights out of me to think about letting it in, and yet I look at it with such longing and need for it that I don't know how to not let it in. Today I realized who I am and why I feel like I have been chasing my tail for so long.

My whole life I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted so badly for my children to know and feel all the love and patience and total adoration I had to give them. I knew I wanted to stay at home with them and be that mom that could give her children the gift of herself while they were young and impressionable. There were also things about being a stay at home mom that I didn't realize were part of the package. The isolation, the housework, the redundancy, days of whining, cranky, thankless children, worrying, sleep deprivation, etc. I didn't realize the days of the awesome payoffs of being a stay at home mom were often very few and far between.

I had a really hard time dealing with becoming a mother. Somewhere between the trauma that was my first childbirth experience, the hellish recovery, the postpartum depression, and feeling like nobody really understood what I was going through, I became anorexic.

When my daughter was about 11 months old I was finally able to admit that I had a problem and seek treatment. I did pretty well with it and by the time she was 2 and a half and I became pregnant again I felt like I was in a good place to have a healthy pregnancy and did everything I could to make sure that happened. And it did. My son was born healthy and happy and I was hopeful that this crappy part of my past was behind me.

I was wrong. Anorexia came back with a vengeance. I was a little quicker to get help this time but it was a harder fight. I felt like I was never going to be normal again. I felt pretty hopeless and everything I did in treatment at first was for my kids and my husband. Making sure I did it for them was the only way I could keep going. I had no self esteem and could not really fathom doing it for myself. There were some pretty dark times but, for the sake of my kids, I persisted. I was told that it would eventually get better. That you had to do the work before you could see the rewards.

Slowly the rewards started to trickle in. Every small step was celebrated. I really believed that if I kept going and got better that I could put this all behind me. That I could be ok and I could put this all behind me. It's been 3 years now and I came SO CLOSE. And then once again anorexia has come knocking on the door and I answered. But this time I couldn't understand WHY. I have worked so hard to move past this part of my life and it keeps coming back. WHY?!?!? I have learned to cope with things that I thought were a problem. One might come up once in a while but I'm pretty good at beating those things back. So then WHY is this happening again???

Then this morning as I was going through my list of stresses and what potential good could come of those things, something hit me like a ton of bricks. None of these things is REALLY the problem. None of these things is what keeps me on this endless cycle that makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail.  It is the fact that I've been trying to find myself, when all along I know who I am but can't be that person. I was raised to not be that person. It was engrained in me when I was growing up that the minute you have a family you cease to exist. From that point on you live for your children and do only what is best for them regardless of what you do or don't want.

And I really think that is why Ed (eating disorder) stepped in. To cope with the fact that in a day I went from a person to a care vessel that doesn't mean anything to anyone. Or at least that's the way I saw it and largely still do.

The problem with this revelation is that I don't know if there IS any way to fix it. Just time. Once the kids are grown up maybe I can regain a little bit of myself. I dunno. If there is ANYTHING left by then. I've been encouraged to do things for myself before and never have followed through. I think that is why. Because I truly believe that it's not acceptable for me to do that. But I tell people I will try just to appease them. And for a minute it makes me feel better to think of the possibility.

that's all I've got for now.
TTFN

Runnin'

Just got back from a run with my hunny :) I'm really glad he is trying this out with me. I'm so excited that we can do this together. We are just starting out still. This is our 2nd week. And we are in barefoot shoes, So the process is very slow but I don't really mind. We can only really go up and down our street right now anyways so It's a good start.

I've been thinking way too much lately. Some days it's good. Some days not so much. Today I decided I'm lonely but I SUCK at letting people in. Sometimes I'm reserved for good reason but other cases I can't really even understand myself. My husband for instance. He is always ALWAYS there for me no matter what. But I have a dang hard time getting support even from him if it is not in exactly the way that I want it. But I don't realize this is going on in my head. So I get irritated with him and shut him out. Then I don't even really understand what happened I just know that now I am irritated AND lonely. I hate my brain sometimes.

The kids are going to be out of school in like 5 weeks. I don't feel prepared. I don't know what I'm going to do with them all summer. It shouldn't be that much different as neither one of them is in school full time anyways. But GAH!

And if anyone knows where I can find some decent sand toys let me know! I've been looking around at the big box stores but nothing has really made me go ooooohhhhh yet. Maybe nothing will. They are just sand toys afterall. Maybe mediocrity is where it's at.

Reading the hunger games (finally!) and haven't seen the movie yet so no spoilers! (Not that anyone really reads this anyways. lol.

Off to read.
TTFN!

The Journey of a Thousand Miles.....yadda yadda yadda

Ok so I haven't posted anything since November. Where do I start? I've been thinking a lot lately about schools. The school we have Riley in is amazing and I couldn't ask for more and I really believe in what they're doing. And although I'm no expert and I do believe different types of schools can make a difference for different children, I haven't heard any raving reviews about any other schools here locally lately. I've talked to a couple of other mommy cohorts about the schools they have their little ones in and it amazes me to hear the things I do. One wasn't happy because her son wasn't being challenged enough. Upon a little more conversation I find out her son doesn't know a thing about alphabetical order in the middle of first grade. Another one was upset because her daughter was still doing things that were way too easy for her in kindergarten. Through all of this I just kept thinking how grateful I am for finding the school we did. I'm still a little worried about whether or not Jack is going to be ready for kindergarten at the younger age or not. He is SO close to the cutoff date and still is pretty immature in a school readiness sense even now in preschool. But we will just have to wait and see what will be best for him come next year at registration time. No sense in pushing a decision when he still has a year to mature, right?

I have also been thinking about seasons of my life a lot lately. In a couple of different ways I think I've been WAY off balance here. I'm living too much in my past seasons and not enough in my current one. And comparing the two. I really need to find out more of what my current season has to offer. Also I'm pushing away winter. I can see spring just ahead and I'm really eager to get there. I've even felt a few warm spring-like days lately and I'm getting really impatient for the change to just happen already, which just throws me farther back into winter. I need to be more patient with myself and just be where I am knowing I have the intention of moving forward slowly.
(I don't know if that'll make sense to people but we shall see )

Figuring out what I need my purpose in life to be has been a fun one too lately. I won't go in depth with the thought process again but it's been there, burning a hole in my brain and I still don't have it figured out. I'm sure I will in due time, I'm just not there yet.

But in the meantime I think I am going to try to make rice krispy treats with the kiddos tomorrow and just be happy for where I am, and try to remember that one saying that goes something like.....the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.....or whatever it is. I'm just going to be happy for where I am tomorrow. And at that I bid you goodnight
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Doggies

So we had a really scary experience with Brogan today. He was sitting by the stairs after lunch as my parents were getting ready to leave and just looking.....not well. So I approached him to try to see what was wrong, and he was shaking pretty bad. Then he started groaning. So I got him to come lay down on the floor while I was calling CSU vet hospital and he wouldn't relax his back legs and he was still shaking and groaning. So I got everything set up to take him in, put Winny in her kennel (she was NOT happy to be left behind and let us know that very loudly as we left), and got Brogan in the car. Of course by the time we get to the dang hospital he is perfectly fine.......Damn Dogs.......But I'm relieved that he is ok and we still had them do an exam on him to make sure and they had 2 docs look at him and it probably cost us less than a normal vet visit so I guess I can't complain too much. Everybody there gushed over him too because he is such a well behaved, laid back, handsome little man and he stole everybody's hearts like he always does. I love my puppies :)

a late night rant

I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related.  I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much. 
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Changes on the Horizon

Ok so it's been a few months since I've posted anything. There is a LOT going on right now.

Riley just got done with preschool! I will have a Kindergartener in the fall! I'm so excited for her and so nervous at the same time. We got into one of the schools we chose for her, Liberty Common, it's a Charter School here in Fort Collins. It is becoming a 12 year school too so she and Jack will be there through high school if all goes according to plan. Riley also rode her bike by herself with no training wheels the other day! It was just a short ride but I was SO proud of her for even taking that chance. She is growing up so fast. I am giving her and my two nephews violin lessons this summer. I've only given her one so far but she is very excited and I think she will do well as long as I can get her to focus.

Jack is going to be starting preschool in the fall. He is so excited he can't see straight. He asks me to tell him about his new school every night when he goes to bed. He is a little monkey! He is so active and all over the place and half the time I just don't know what to do with him. We've been going through a finger smashing phase lately. First he got them caught in the hinge of the dryer door. Then a couple of days later got them slammed in the car door. We got to go to the doctor for that one. He was fine but I freaked out! And it's just been more of the same for the past two weeks. This morning Riley closed his finger in her bedroom door! I just hope he makes it to preschool with all of his fingers at this point.

Kevin is still working at HP. He finally got going on the upstairs bathroom and after sooooo long waiting the end is in sight. He has pretty much rebuilt the entire bathroom and I am so proud of him. This week we will be able to put the floor in and then we will be on to tiling the shower which is the last major project! He is such a patient, kind, loving, amazing man and I am so lucky to be able to share my life with him.

I am feeling more like my old self than I have in a long time. I'm not recovered by any means, but farther along in recovery than I have ever been. I still have hard times, and I still expect to for a while, but I can cope with them better now and it doesn't take weeks to get over one bad day. I just noticed the other day that I was really there, really present, when we went to the park to teach Riley to ride her bike, and it was amazing and I was so thankful for that. I have just floated by in such a zombie state for so long now, and I feel like I've missed so much. I was glad just to be there for that. I'm becoming more that way every day too.

I have a new friend. Her name is Jackie, and she is my angel. She is just an amazing person and she helps me SO much and she is so easy to talk to I feel like I have known her forever. She and her boyfriend came over tonight for a BBQ and we had a really good time. I feel like she's filled a hole in my life.

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite time of year. I am so ready for the warmth and sunshine. It wasn't even a bad winter and it was just horrid for me. I'm ready to leave it behind. I got some barefoot shoes and I'm going to learn to run in them this summer. I just have to find a time that works for me to do it. But that shouldn't be too hard because I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to go to bed and get ready to give my nephews their first violin lessons tomorrow. :o) I'm so excited!

TTFN

Ok I'm back to wondering why I keep doing this. I'm back to wondering why I try to have friends at all. It's frustrating as hell to me, not to mention depressing, to keep thinking people like me and actually want to be around me, then to continually find out otherwise. Hell I guess it gives me more time for housework, right? Ok maybe I'm just lonely or something but I really, really, REALLY feel at this point that I don't have a single friend that's not in it because they feel bad for me. I guess the cycle continues and again I am at a point in my life where I am an invisible loser. I guess it was bound to happen I just really had the hope that it wouldn't. It just sucks because every single time I start thinking I'm developing a friendship with someone I get so excited, and I just get crushed every single time. This is why I question my husband's love sometimes. I know that sounds pathetic, but how can one man love me so much when obviously the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me? I feel like he's just doing it out of pity too. But I have learned that he is honest and he wouldn't do that so I trust him. I just don't understand it. Anyways I didn't mean this to be a pity me post but hell what does it matter, I'm the only one that reads it anyways. I guess I'm done for now.

TTFN

Education (a really long winded and weird post)

My math isn't the greatest, but I think it was somewhere around the '95-'96 school year that I started middle school. My middle school was a 2 year track 7th/8th grade. When I started my 7th grade year I had no idea of the roller coaster I was in for. I had a really hard time adjusting and began experiencing what I now know to be an epic depression that I am still fighting to this day. My grades dropped, I became bitchy and distant, and this eventually led to me giving up on school all together and dropping out of high school. The question I have is how did it happen and how could it have happened differently? I will not ask who is to blame as I believe blame is trivial and stupid and no one entity is ever entirely at fault for anything. So how did it happen? Well, It happened because even though I was having issues that were entirely beyond my reach I never really talked to anybody about them and they kept festering. I had a couple of teachers that really reached out to me and tried SO hard to help. They asked what would work for me, listened, and really did everything they could to help me succeed. And those strategies worked....for those couple of classes. Unfortunately by this point in education you have a lot more than a couple of classes to contend with, and the teachers never really talked amongst each other to try to band together to help me. Is this their job? I'm not sure. Would it have helped me? Most likely, yes. Is this the only way it could have happened differently? No. There are a lot of things I think of looking back. Getting into counseling sooner to deal with the depression would have, but I don't blame my parents, I don't think they even knew at this point that depression was the problem. I never told them that I was teased for so many years through elementary school, either. This might have been part of the reason the depression started in the first place. But I was too embarrassed to say anything. My lack of organization has always been an issue in in too, and I could have asked for more help with this. I didn't because I didn't realize it was ok to ask for help and not look like a total loser.

I am sitting here pondering these things because my daughter is going to start kindergarten next year and I am so scared of history repeating itself I can't see straight. She's in preschool right now and I can't even watch her play on the playground because it's too painful for me to look back and see myself out there, sitting alone on the monkey bars, sad and lonely. I don't think she is, but there have been a couple of times I have seen her out there playing by herself and I just lose it. I want to run out there and be with her and help her, even though it's me, not her, that needs it.

I've also been examining my beliefs about our public school system. I don't think it's fair to completely lay blame on the schools for producing only a 30-40% success rate, but I don't think it's fair to not blame them at all either. There are specific things that I really don't like about public education right now. One of them is teachers unions. I think they have absolutely no good reason to be there at all and I think it's hurting academics due to their ideals of all teachers having equality. All teachers are not equal and should not be treated as such. Another thing that I think is really crappy right now is that they just go in there and teach whatever they want to with no regard of what the kid has or has not already learned. Completely scattered academics. People need to build upon what has already been taught, this is why I am such a fan of the core knowledge curriculum. Also the decision not to hold kids back a grade that are obviously not ready to move on just because it will embarrass them. I don't agree and even if all of their friends are in a higher grade what does it matter if it will benefit them in the end. And the earlier you do it the more in stride they will be able to take it.

I also think that it's a problem that parents are not more involved with schools. Education is not a one sided, go to school and learn it, type of deal. Parents have to learn and know how to assist in the education of their kids. It's not just somewhere they send them for the day so someone else can watch them. The reason they're going there is important, and I think a lot more parents need to treat it as such. But I also think that they need to be more involved IN the schools. I know this is not easy because a lot of parents work full time and can't get the time off to do a lot. But there has to be some way for more parents to help and be involved, and I don't think the schools put it out there enough that they need or want that either. Parents need to be more involved on the boards and be able to put their opinions out there too ( I personally don't think unions let that happen much, though.)

So for these reasons, and by the Grace of God that we were actually drawn in the lottery, My kids are going to one of the local Charter Schools that offers a core knowledge curriculum, emphasizes classical education, and character education as well. I know not all charter schools are good, but I truly believe this one is. I also know that just having charter schools is not the answer to a broken system, but for me right now it's all I've got. I hope beyond all hopes that this works out well for us, that my kids thrive and learn and succeed, and are not bullied or made to feel worthless. In the meantime I know what I have to do. I need to figure out how to stop feeling worthless myself. I've done it for so long now it's all I know, and it's easy to do. But I really believe now that my kids deserve more..........and so do I. I just don't know where to start.

TTFN

It's late, and my head is spinning

I hate what elections bring out in me. I've been thinking about so much since the results began to be posted yesterday. For one thing I'm really damn glad Pelosi has been knocked off her throne. I can't stand that woman. I've mostly been thinking about partisanship......and how this political shtuff works......and I know it's necessary for our country to function but I HATE it. I hate the far right, I hate the far left, I hate that they label themselves instead of standing up for what they, individually believe in and have a vague party label. I hate the fact that more and more of our politicians, no matter what their party affiliation, have their own agenda and don't really give a crap about America and Americans and what it even means to be an American. Instead it is a game of dollar signs. I don't trust any of them and I don't really want to vote for any of them because I don't believe in any of them. It is just a lesser of two evils.

It makes me want to cry to even think of my children's future. For one thing what the hell are schools going to look like in another ten or even twenty years. We keep throwing more and more money at them and yet things still keep getting worse and worse. My personal belief is it is because people are greedy and won't put in what it really takes to get results and/or because they don't believe they are paid enough. Don't get me wrong, I think teachers are wonderful people and I have met some amazing ones in my lifetime, but are some/a lot of them just quieting their consciences by telling themselves they are doing a good thing by being a teacher and getting paid a crappy salary, therefore they don't go above and beyond because it's not in their contract and they are already doing a good thing? I don't know, but I'd bet there are at least some out there.

Another thing about schools that drives me crazy is shit like this......We have like 5 schools on the chopping block in Fort Collins, yet others have 52 inch flat screens in every classroom to replace overhead projectors. TECHNOLOGY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO EDUCATION!!!! I understand that kids need to use it but geez people there is absolutely nothing wrong with overhead projectors. How much money is that, that could have gone to another school that needed it for basic funding.

Look at how much our country is in debt. I feel like that pretty much says we don't even own our country anymore. Trillions of dollars is a bit ridiculous. Then again I have a couple of thousand on my credit card and I hyperventilate. It reminds me of a saying. When you find yourself in a hole what's the first thing you do? STOP DIGGING! Granted I know our country needs to spend money to operate but what is the point in passing stimuluses and other Government aid when it isn't really even coming from them. Then they just make it harder on everyone else when they raise taxes to try to pay for it. I feel like I have been taxed into a black friggin hole. Eventually I'm going to wonder what's going to be left for me to live on. It seriously scares me.

Ok I know I sound like a rightist right now and I guess to an extent I am. I can't help it. I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. It's their job to protect our rights and liberties. I feel like they're just taking more and more of them away. Telling me nobody has the right to be who they are except the people who are struggling and discriminated against. I want to help people who are struggling and discriminated against, I want to fight for them, but I want it to be of my own free will, not what the government wants to make me do.

I don't want them to tell me it is the law that I have to have health care, I want to do it because it is the best thing for me. I don't want them to parent me. If I want to pay for medical services out of my pocket who the hell are they to stop me. I understand there are people out there that need it and can't afford it but look at what we already have in place. A hospital cannot deny anybody care that is not in stable condition, wether they have coverage or not.

I guess what I'm saying is there are ways for people already to get what they need. So why not focus on helping people who need it figure that out. Help them help themselves. Encourage people to stand on their own two feet. I think there are some government programs that do things like this that are great.

I guess I just really think the meaning of being free is changing. Hard work doesn't pay off as much anymore. You can actually get farther on handouts and it is (but not to me) socially acceptable.....and that is sad.

How is it that more and more people are going to college and getting higher education yet they say we're falling behind other countries, that we're just not cutting it?

And just working hard won't get you through college. You HAVE to go into debt just to get through college. Why does money have to be in the equation to be happy. How is it that nobody that is poor is ever shown as happy or fulfilled and ALWAYS shown in need of help? I just can't see that as being true. You can be the happiest person in the world and live in a cardboard box. I believe that.

I have so many more questions than I have answers for and it really pisses me off that everything seems so much more complicated than it needs to be sometimes. Notice please that I said SEEMS, not IS. I'm sure when you get down to the root of it, it is all very simple. But I don't think I will ever see that root because of all the twists to the truth that get people paid that cover up that root. I don't have a problem with people making money. I just want them to be honest and do so, and I feel like that doesn't always happen. In fact I'm pretty sure it happens more than any of us probably want to even believe.

And don't even get me started on the higher than god asshole rightists that have the money and think they are entitled to their money and don't want to share it with anybody. Ok that's just how I view some people that have a lot of money. Like I said I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. I think these people are greedy assholes and if they even took a quarter of what they have and gave it to somebody or many somebody's that need something, they would really make a difference to somebody. I just don't know why anybody think that in order to be happy everybody needs to be brought up to the same level. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my opinion. In fact I think they have more of a problem with themselves than anybody at a lower level has.

I guess in the end I just want my kids to be able to grow up happy and free. I want them to be able to pursue their dreams and I don't want anybody telling them what that should be. I want them, and everybody, to be able to accept and be comfortable with everybody in life from the white middle class, to gays, to the poor, to the rich, to the disabled. To know that they don't have to feel guilty for being who they are, even if that means they are the gay, or the homophobic white middle class. EVERYBODY has a place in our society, and I don't think that is clearly stated anywhere. ESPECIALLY in government. Nobody is really embracing our differences in my opinion.

Anyways if you actually make it this far in my post thanks for listening to my rant. I know it probably didn't make sense I just needed to try to put into words some of the questions on my mind and how I feel about things. And if you don't agree with me I hope it's ok with you that I have a differing opinion. After all, how boring would it be if we all felt the same?

TTFN

Settling into Autumn

I've been saying for the past month I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for fall. I don't want the colder weather or naked trees or shorter days. But then something happened today. I was walking through whole foods with my uberly adorable little man (who is the BEST little boy in the world when he is not teething and cranky) and I walked past a display and smelled fall spices. The cinnamon and nutmeg reset my brain, and suddenly I am excited for fall. I am excited to bake pumpkin pie. I am excited for the holidays and the beauty of the changing trees. I'm especially excited for apples to be in season again. It's hard for me to admit that I'm ok leaving summer behind now because I love it so much, but I am. I'll still anticipate it's return next year, but for now I'm beginning to welcome autumn with open arms. The door is still shut tight on old man winter, though!

TTFN

I just realized I only have 1 follower on my blog. I know I don't write very often anyway but it really makes me think "why the hell am I even doing this"? I guess I have that same question for a lot of things in my life. Maybe I'm just feeling very lonely today, but it seems to me like the only people who care about me in my life (besides my immediate family) are people I pay to care. My doctor and my shrink. I mean hell I know I don't need a ton of people in my life to be happy, but in all honesty I think I have one friend that really cares and spends the time to make our friendship work. ONE. One person that I am not related to that really feels like being around me. I have never been the type of person that wants a lot of friends and I value what I have but I guess what I have right now just feels really damn lonely to me.

TTFN