Sighhhhhh.......

I can't sleep. GAH! Life really blows right now. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Everything is a damn mess right now. I feel like I have screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. I've relapsed BADLY. I'm not eating much. Kevin is PISSED at me because of it. I am scared. I don't know what to do.

I just wish somebody close to me understood what this feels like. I try so hard to talk and tell people how I'm feeling and nobody really gets it. I know they understand the feelings that I have....fear, anxiety, anger, terror......but nobody close to me really gets what this feels like inside. The depth of these emotions and the grip ED has on me. The fact that it's the only thing I can do that DOESN'T invoke the deep emotions that rule my life.

I was reading an old diary a while ago and something struck me. I had something in those entries that I don't have anymore. I had.....self esteem.....and hope. I don't know when that changed. Heck I don't even know what made it change. But it changed none the less. It's so crippling it's hard for me to even get through a single day at home alone with the kids, much less 5 in a row. I dunno, I think for now I'm going to go TRY to rest so I can be up with the kids tomorrow. I'll update soon.

TTFN