Ok I know I haven't posted in a long time. No really good excuses except the fact that recovery is hard and painful and doesn't leave much time for deep thoughts.
That's actually why I'm in such an unstable mood today. I got sick last night and since then ED (Short for Eating Disorder) has been going wild in celebration. And I am left trying to figure out how to keep him at bay. It's really hard and I can't say every single part of me wants to yet. But I guess if every part of me did want to I'd be recovered already. So I guess I just really want to vent for a minute.
I hate gaining weight. It scares me to no end and I feel like a fat cow. It scares me that I'm never going to stop gaining weight and they're going to have to haul me out of my house with a forklift. Everybody tells me the chances of that happening are very slim but I still can't get it out of my head that I am going to end up like that. And now I have my nutritionist, chris, in my head. I had an appointment with her yesterday and she was talking about diets. She was talking about how advertising for just about anything, diets included, makes you feel not good enough and is meant to give you a complex. That they don't have your best interests at heart, they just want to sell their product. AND that if diets really worked there would be no market for them. And how boring would it be if all the people in the world were perfect in every way.
I'm sorry I know this is such a random post and you're probably just as confused as I am by this point.
I guess in reality I just want to reach out and make sure that the people I love will love me no matter what size I am. Sighhhhhh........recovery sucks sometimes.......But It can't be any worse than living as a scared shell of a human being with no energy for the rest of my life...right?
TTFN
