I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related. I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much.
TTFN
