Doggies

So we had a really scary experience with Brogan today. He was sitting by the stairs after lunch as my parents were getting ready to leave and just looking.....not well. So I approached him to try to see what was wrong, and he was shaking pretty bad. Then he started groaning. So I got him to come lay down on the floor while I was calling CSU vet hospital and he wouldn't relax his back legs and he was still shaking and groaning. So I got everything set up to take him in, put Winny in her kennel (she was NOT happy to be left behind and let us know that very loudly as we left), and got Brogan in the car. Of course by the time we get to the dang hospital he is perfectly fine.......Damn Dogs.......But I'm relieved that he is ok and we still had them do an exam on him to make sure and they had 2 docs look at him and it probably cost us less than a normal vet visit so I guess I can't complain too much. Everybody there gushed over him too because he is such a well behaved, laid back, handsome little man and he stole everybody's hearts like he always does. I love my puppies :)

a late night rant

I'm not sure what it is that does this to me. I don't know if it's just the chemical reaction of a depressive state or something I just believe more deeply. One way or the other I just get into these moods where I feel like I am completely alone in the world. And just like anything else that I don't recognize to be logical and true I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. But the feeling is still there. I don't know where it came from this time but that's where I am at right now. I think it has more to do with friendship than anything love or family related.  I just have this nagging suspicion that I'm annoying and people only really want to be around me when there is something in it for them. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be though? Maybe I am wrong for wanting a close friendship with somebody and adult life really doesn't work that way. But then I've seen other people around me that are so close even though they have jobs and families and such. Which leads me back to the fact that it's me, not them. Then I tell myself that maybe it's just that I don't want to be around these people because they seem in a lot of ways to be people that I just wouldn't click with anyways. Then that comes back to me. If I don't click with ANYBODY then obviously it's ME that's the problem, right?? Maybe it's all coming back to the fact for me that the moment I start to feel like I'm getting close to anybody, they disappear. Am I being too intense somehow? I'm beginning to feel like the guy who can never find love because he proposes marriage on the third date! Am I like that with friendships? I don't know! I've never had anybody tell me I am. But I've never had anybody tell me I'm not, either. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just had to get it out somewhere where I know nobody is going to worry about me or feel bad for me, because that's not what I want. I just want to find my way through this and realize it's my silly brain worrying about non-existant issues so I can smile again and enjoy what I have. Because what I have really is wonderful. Friends or no friends, I do have one friend that I can say with absolute certainty will always be there with me through whatever life brings our way. I love my husband SO much. 
TTFN

Changes on the Horizon

Ok so it's been a few months since I've posted anything. There is a LOT going on right now.

Riley just got done with preschool! I will have a Kindergartener in the fall! I'm so excited for her and so nervous at the same time. We got into one of the schools we chose for her, Liberty Common, it's a Charter School here in Fort Collins. It is becoming a 12 year school too so she and Jack will be there through high school if all goes according to plan. Riley also rode her bike by herself with no training wheels the other day! It was just a short ride but I was SO proud of her for even taking that chance. She is growing up so fast. I am giving her and my two nephews violin lessons this summer. I've only given her one so far but she is very excited and I think she will do well as long as I can get her to focus.

Jack is going to be starting preschool in the fall. He is so excited he can't see straight. He asks me to tell him about his new school every night when he goes to bed. He is a little monkey! He is so active and all over the place and half the time I just don't know what to do with him. We've been going through a finger smashing phase lately. First he got them caught in the hinge of the dryer door. Then a couple of days later got them slammed in the car door. We got to go to the doctor for that one. He was fine but I freaked out! And it's just been more of the same for the past two weeks. This morning Riley closed his finger in her bedroom door! I just hope he makes it to preschool with all of his fingers at this point.

Kevin is still working at HP. He finally got going on the upstairs bathroom and after sooooo long waiting the end is in sight. He has pretty much rebuilt the entire bathroom and I am so proud of him. This week we will be able to put the floor in and then we will be on to tiling the shower which is the last major project! He is such a patient, kind, loving, amazing man and I am so lucky to be able to share my life with him.

I am feeling more like my old self than I have in a long time. I'm not recovered by any means, but farther along in recovery than I have ever been. I still have hard times, and I still expect to for a while, but I can cope with them better now and it doesn't take weeks to get over one bad day. I just noticed the other day that I was really there, really present, when we went to the park to teach Riley to ride her bike, and it was amazing and I was so thankful for that. I have just floated by in such a zombie state for so long now, and I feel like I've missed so much. I was glad just to be there for that. I'm becoming more that way every day too.

I have a new friend. Her name is Jackie, and she is my angel. She is just an amazing person and she helps me SO much and she is so easy to talk to I feel like I have known her forever. She and her boyfriend came over tonight for a BBQ and we had a really good time. I feel like she's filled a hole in my life.

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite time of year. I am so ready for the warmth and sunshine. It wasn't even a bad winter and it was just horrid for me. I'm ready to leave it behind. I got some barefoot shoes and I'm going to learn to run in them this summer. I just have to find a time that works for me to do it. But that shouldn't be too hard because I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to go to bed and get ready to give my nephews their first violin lessons tomorrow. :o) I'm so excited!

TTFN

Ok I'm back to wondering why I keep doing this. I'm back to wondering why I try to have friends at all. It's frustrating as hell to me, not to mention depressing, to keep thinking people like me and actually want to be around me, then to continually find out otherwise. Hell I guess it gives me more time for housework, right? Ok maybe I'm just lonely or something but I really, really, REALLY feel at this point that I don't have a single friend that's not in it because they feel bad for me. I guess the cycle continues and again I am at a point in my life where I am an invisible loser. I guess it was bound to happen I just really had the hope that it wouldn't. It just sucks because every single time I start thinking I'm developing a friendship with someone I get so excited, and I just get crushed every single time. This is why I question my husband's love sometimes. I know that sounds pathetic, but how can one man love me so much when obviously the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me? I feel like he's just doing it out of pity too. But I have learned that he is honest and he wouldn't do that so I trust him. I just don't understand it. Anyways I didn't mean this to be a pity me post but hell what does it matter, I'm the only one that reads it anyways. I guess I'm done for now.

TTFN

Education (a really long winded and weird post)

My math isn't the greatest, but I think it was somewhere around the '95-'96 school year that I started middle school. My middle school was a 2 year track 7th/8th grade. When I started my 7th grade year I had no idea of the roller coaster I was in for. I had a really hard time adjusting and began experiencing what I now know to be an epic depression that I am still fighting to this day. My grades dropped, I became bitchy and distant, and this eventually led to me giving up on school all together and dropping out of high school. The question I have is how did it happen and how could it have happened differently? I will not ask who is to blame as I believe blame is trivial and stupid and no one entity is ever entirely at fault for anything. So how did it happen? Well, It happened because even though I was having issues that were entirely beyond my reach I never really talked to anybody about them and they kept festering. I had a couple of teachers that really reached out to me and tried SO hard to help. They asked what would work for me, listened, and really did everything they could to help me succeed. And those strategies worked....for those couple of classes. Unfortunately by this point in education you have a lot more than a couple of classes to contend with, and the teachers never really talked amongst each other to try to band together to help me. Is this their job? I'm not sure. Would it have helped me? Most likely, yes. Is this the only way it could have happened differently? No. There are a lot of things I think of looking back. Getting into counseling sooner to deal with the depression would have, but I don't blame my parents, I don't think they even knew at this point that depression was the problem. I never told them that I was teased for so many years through elementary school, either. This might have been part of the reason the depression started in the first place. But I was too embarrassed to say anything. My lack of organization has always been an issue in in too, and I could have asked for more help with this. I didn't because I didn't realize it was ok to ask for help and not look like a total loser.

I am sitting here pondering these things because my daughter is going to start kindergarten next year and I am so scared of history repeating itself I can't see straight. She's in preschool right now and I can't even watch her play on the playground because it's too painful for me to look back and see myself out there, sitting alone on the monkey bars, sad and lonely. I don't think she is, but there have been a couple of times I have seen her out there playing by herself and I just lose it. I want to run out there and be with her and help her, even though it's me, not her, that needs it.

I've also been examining my beliefs about our public school system. I don't think it's fair to completely lay blame on the schools for producing only a 30-40% success rate, but I don't think it's fair to not blame them at all either. There are specific things that I really don't like about public education right now. One of them is teachers unions. I think they have absolutely no good reason to be there at all and I think it's hurting academics due to their ideals of all teachers having equality. All teachers are not equal and should not be treated as such. Another thing that I think is really crappy right now is that they just go in there and teach whatever they want to with no regard of what the kid has or has not already learned. Completely scattered academics. People need to build upon what has already been taught, this is why I am such a fan of the core knowledge curriculum. Also the decision not to hold kids back a grade that are obviously not ready to move on just because it will embarrass them. I don't agree and even if all of their friends are in a higher grade what does it matter if it will benefit them in the end. And the earlier you do it the more in stride they will be able to take it.

I also think that it's a problem that parents are not more involved with schools. Education is not a one sided, go to school and learn it, type of deal. Parents have to learn and know how to assist in the education of their kids. It's not just somewhere they send them for the day so someone else can watch them. The reason they're going there is important, and I think a lot more parents need to treat it as such. But I also think that they need to be more involved IN the schools. I know this is not easy because a lot of parents work full time and can't get the time off to do a lot. But there has to be some way for more parents to help and be involved, and I don't think the schools put it out there enough that they need or want that either. Parents need to be more involved on the boards and be able to put their opinions out there too ( I personally don't think unions let that happen much, though.)

So for these reasons, and by the Grace of God that we were actually drawn in the lottery, My kids are going to one of the local Charter Schools that offers a core knowledge curriculum, emphasizes classical education, and character education as well. I know not all charter schools are good, but I truly believe this one is. I also know that just having charter schools is not the answer to a broken system, but for me right now it's all I've got. I hope beyond all hopes that this works out well for us, that my kids thrive and learn and succeed, and are not bullied or made to feel worthless. In the meantime I know what I have to do. I need to figure out how to stop feeling worthless myself. I've done it for so long now it's all I know, and it's easy to do. But I really believe now that my kids deserve more..........and so do I. I just don't know where to start.

TTFN