I hate it when I get into these emotionally unstable moods.......

Ok I know I haven't posted in a long time. No really good excuses except the fact that recovery is hard and painful and doesn't leave much time for deep thoughts.

That's actually why I'm in such an unstable mood today. I got sick last night and since then ED (Short for Eating Disorder) has been going wild in celebration. And I am left trying to figure out how to keep him at bay. It's really hard and I can't say every single part of me wants to yet. But I guess if every part of me did want to I'd be recovered already. So I guess I just really want to vent for a minute.

I hate gaining weight. It scares me to no end and I feel like a fat cow. It scares me that I'm never going to stop gaining weight and they're going to have to haul me out of my house with a forklift. Everybody tells me the chances of that happening are very slim but I still can't get it out of my head that I am going to end up like that. And now I have my nutritionist, chris, in my head. I had an appointment with her yesterday and she was talking about diets. She was talking about how advertising for just about anything, diets included, makes you feel not good enough and is meant to give you a complex. That they don't have your best interests at heart, they just want to sell their product. AND that if diets really worked there would be no market for them. And how boring would it be if all the people in the world were perfect in every way.

I'm sorry I know this is such a random post and you're probably just as confused as I am by this point.

I guess in reality I just want to reach out and make sure that the people I love will love me no matter what size I am. Sighhhhhh........recovery sucks sometimes.......But It can't be any worse than living as a scared shell of a human being with no energy for the rest of my life...right?

TTFN

Conflicted

I've had a lot on my mind lately and it's all very confusing and I really just need to take a minute to think and write some things down. 

Mostly what is on my mind is about friends and friendship. I know a couple of people that I did consider friends......but I don't know if I still do or not. They both live fairly close and I think I get along well with both of them, but I haven't seen or talked to either one of them in.....well I can't even remember how long ago. I'm conflicted about it because I have TRIED to get ahold of them and get together with or talk to them. I know everyone has a busy schedule and blah blah blah but I thought you made time for your friends. At least that is what I do......even if it is just a text message or email to say I am thinking of you. I have called and left messages on their phones and messaged them on the internet and have gotten bupkis in return. 

In all honesty it pisses me off a little. It really makes me feel like they are not interested in being my friend. I feel like I have waisted my time trying like hell to make time for them when it is all one sided and they just want to be nice to me but don't really want to be my friend. 

Ok so it sounds a little like a poor pity me I guess but it just hurts thinking that somebody is your friend and then finding out they are not. It's not quite as bad, but it's still like losing somebody you love. But I guess I just have to let it go and move on. I will be thankful for the good friends I know I do have in my life and realize that I have always felt that having a couple of really great friends is better than having a bunch of mediocre ones. So, if you are one of those friends and happen to read this.....Thank you for being a good friend :o)

TTFN

Tidbits

I started a yoga class last night. I was AMAZED at how much I loved it. I was very unsure going into it as to what it was going to be like and how I was going to do with it. I absolutely loved it. For 90 minutes all of the stress inside of me just melted away and I was in my own world concentrating on nothing but me and the positioning of my body and breathing. I can't wait to go back on Saturday.

Jack is getting ready to crawl. He has started army crawling a little bit. He is so happy and determined and adorable. I don't want him to grow up but at the same time I can't wait to see how his personality grows every single day. Kids are so amazing.

Riley has started drawing people the adorable way that all pre-schoolers do.....a large head with a weird face and two legs coming straight out of the head....no body at all. We were drawing family members on her chalkboard last night. First she drew herself, then daddy, then mommy. Kevin laughed when she drew me, because she drew a very oddly shaped head that was HUGE, two eyes, a mouth, and a nose underneath that. She is so proud of herself though, and I am so proud of the way she can draw circles and actually make pictures now. We are going tomorrow to look at a preschool for her for the fall. I'm excited and sad at the same time. My baby is growing up and going to school!

We have been re-organizing the house. We moved the TV back into the living room upstairs and decided it didn't quite look right up there......so we went and bought a new TV. I still think I'm glad we did because it was definitely time to move away from the tube TV, but dang those things are expensive and I gave into kevin wanting the bigger one which of course was more expensive. I'm now a little worried about money because kevin told me we could buy some stuff to help organize the house and i'm worried we will have to put that off now.

I am so happy the weather is getting nicer. I love getting out and doing things outside. I have already taken the bike out three times this week and we are planning on riding to Riley's class tomorrow. Kevin has Friday and Monday off this week so we are excited to have him home with us for a couple extra days!

well, not too exciting but that's what's been going on.....maybe something deeper later, when the kids are sleeping and I have time to think.

TTFN

Pretty Much a kid update

So, not much has really been going on besides being a mommy for me so I figured I'd write about what I know......my children!

We had Riley's 3 year checkup and Jack's 4 month checkup at the doctor on Tuesday. Getting them both done at once was cool but it took a long time and I'm kinda glad that probably won't happen again. Anyways I'll start with Riley. She is still very tall...I think the sheet said 3 feet 3 inches....and still at 37 pounds where I swear she has been and probably will be for a while. She is smart as we all know very well. I was reading some of the milestones for 3 years old and just laughed. One of them was putting a sentence together with 3 to 4 words!! I was like you're kidding right?!?! This kid has been doing that since she was 18 months old!! She is a little behind on her gross motor skills. She has never been much of a runner or jumper and she isn't quite where she should be now, so we're going to be working with her on that more and trying to get her up to speed..... literally! haha! I was beating myself up for about a day over it thinking it was my fault for not working with her on it enough and I still feel that way but I'm not beating myself up for it anymore.

Jack is doing great too. He is 26.6 inches long and weighs 15.4 pounds. His head circumference is only in the 25% still. Boy just has a small head. He is right on with his development. Evidently somebody didn't explain to him that it was harder to turn from his back to his belly because that's what he did first. I think he could probably go the other way too but I haven't seen him do it yet. There was one occasion while we were there that the doctor made me cry. I was telling her about the urologists findings and how he said that in the pictures Jacks bladder was off to the side because there was a lot of gas in his tummy. I told her I couldn't remember completely but I think the perinatologist said something about that at one point too when I was still pregnant with him so I was a little concerned about his bladder. I can't remember exactly what she said at that point but it was something about checking for a tumor pushing his bladder over and it was all I could do not to lose it right there! But I kept it together and told myself that it's only ONE possible worst case scenario outcome and with all the ultrasounds and everything else I had I'm sure if there was a tumor big enough to push his bladder like that we would have found it. And when the docs have felt his belly they feel nothing. Anyways other than that my little man is just wonderful.....he got 2 shots and some oral vaccine and we go back at 6 months for him.

We are going Monday to see the urologist for Jack and get another ultrasound. I'm anxious to find out where he is now with all of it and see how fast he is going to outgrow this! 

Well, I think that's all from me for now I'll try to figure out how to post more often but I've discovered how hard it is with 2 kids and I hate just writing little posts so we'll see.

TTFN 

What ever happened to courtesy?

So, this year I decided to try doing a kid party for Riley for her birthday. I was so excited and I invited all of the kids in her funtime class. I was a little bummed I didn't have the time to make her cake this year but I got over it and just ordered a cake for her and looked forward to the party. Riley was sooooooo excited to get to have her Mickey Mouse party. As time went by and we started counting down the days to her party, I only had confirmation that one kid was coming. I was a little bummed, but I knew that others could still show and even if it was only one Riley would have fun. 

So finally today came and I started thinking about it and got REALLY nervous that nobody was going to show up. As 2pm came and went I was afraid that even the one kid that was supposed to come wouldn't show up. I knew we could get other people to come over and Riley would probably never know the difference, but my heart was breaking for that little girl sitting there on the couch thinking of that scenario. I think it hit me so hard because I was always kind of in the same situation as a kid, I didn't have many friends and even though it never happened, I could see myself getting stood up on my birthday.

But anyways the kid ended up showing up and he and Riley did end up being the only two. They had fun though, and Riley was just happy to have her Mickey Mouse party. 

After the party ended I found myself a little pissed of. I was pissed off at the fact that out of the 8 or so children we invited, I only got 2 RSVP's. And this happens to me every year, so you would think I should expect it by now. It really irritates me though. I mean come on people. Even if you're not going to come at least have the common decency to call and say so!! How hard is it to pick up the phone!! It just boils my blood sometimes!!

Then that got me thinking about the mothers of the children that I invited. These people are the reason I'm a lonely stay at home mom. Because I don't want to be friends with a bunch of stuck up bitches who think they are better than everyone else because they are able to stay home with their children. It's so damn irritating. I even tried to be social with them. I've stayed and tried to talk to some of them when Riley is in her class. Every time I would try to jump in on a conversation or start one all I got was short, I have to be polite, type answers. I don't think it helps either that they are all at least 7-10 years older than me so I have NOTHING in common with any of them anyways. I wish sometimes I had more friends I could talk to on a regular basis during the days, but I don't want to be friends with people like that. 

Anyways it's late now and I'm going to go to bed and just be glad that my little girl had a good day and just finds it awesome that she had her mickey mouse party.

TTFN