I got ditched......again......for the past two weeks in a row now......
It's not really a surprise to me. It's happened so often I honestly don't know why it even hurts me anymore. Or why I keep trying. I'm so tired of it all. I feel so isolated. Like I just don't belong anywhere, or with anybody.
I'm tired of trying. I really don't think I can do it anymore. I can't tell myself it's not me and I can't put myself out there. It hurts too much.
Guess I just need time to cry, and figure out how to move on from here with a new set of circumstances. oh well
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
For Tanja
I hadn't talked to you in a long time. You had gone your way and I had gone mine. Like everybody else when you slipped away, I thought it was me. I didn't try too hard for too long. I never do. So I hadn't talked to you in at least a year. But I feel like I still had a connection with you. The first time I met you in group I had you pegged. I knew EXACTLY who you were, because you were so much like me. Your emotions ruled you. We hung out from time to time after group and chatted about random things. I knew you struggled. I knew there was a layer beyond what you shared in group. But you seemed to be happier and doing well. You were working so hard to get your life in order and work out the kinks. I remember the last time I talked to you. You seemed like you were still in a good place. Neither one of us had been to group in a while, but you sounded content, and I was happy that you were doing well. Now here I am finding out that you had a downhill spiral that you couldn't recover from. It makes me sad to know that I didn't know. That I couldn't help. You always inspired me with your love of animals. I have the same love and I looked up to you for everything you did. The deep devotion that you had to your work. I hope I can carry on your legacy in some way. I'll devote myself in both of our names. The world was lucky to have known you Tanja Pliler. I hope you have found peace.
Monday, May 20, 2013
What is Beauty?
Ok, there is this whole thing going about the internets. A dove beauty ad that shows how distorted women's views of themselves are. They take women, introduce them to a stranger, then have both that woman and the stranger they met talk to a sketch artist and each create a sketch of that woman. It is supposed to show how hard women are on themselves. It's creating a lot of buzz. People either love it or they hate it. It's celebrated or looked upon with malice. I haven't seen it. I've read a few comments about it from the celebrators and the critics, and I wanted to give my two cents on the main idea of the ad. The question that has some people jumping for joy at this ad, while at the same time has other people groaning and rolling their eyes. What is beauty?
First, I want to look at what Miriam Webster has to say about beauty.
Miriam Webster's Dictionary defines beauty as:
1. the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit
Now, A lot of critics are saying how damaging this ad is because they are still focusing on outward appearance as the main focus of the experiment. As in Oh hey I thought I was a dog but I guess other people don't see me that way, I must judge myself too harshly. While really the point should be there is a lot more to me than my outer appearance. While I agree that there is a lot more to people than their appearance, I think appearance is important as well.
Think about this......How many times have you gone all out, gotten all dolled up, and felt horrible and worthless afterwards? I know every time I get dressed up and fancy(as long as it's not too far out of my comfort zone) it makes me feel pretty awesome. Yet when you frump around the house in oversized sweats and holy shirts, your chances of feeling bad about yourself increase significantly. I don't think this has a single thing to do with the way you look when you're dressed up, though. I think it has to do with caring for yourself.
When you love something and care for it, you keep it polished, and pretty. Wether it is your dog, a favorite trinket, or anything else that is special. Why should your own self be any different? When you spend time on yourself to groom yourself and look good it's a very human way to show yourself that you are special and loved.
So then the question becomes, do other peoples opinions of what you look like matter?
This is a tougher question for me to answer. I think for people with high enough self esteem the answer to this is obviously no. But for those with little to no self esteem, that deem themselves worthless, I think it's important for them to know how people really see them. Again the reasoning is not what it seems. It's not because it's important for them to know that others find them attractive. Not at all. What's important about it is that most people with these self esteem issues project their opinions of themselves onto other people. An" I feel this way about me so everybody else feels the same way about me too". I think it's important for them to see that this is not reality. When you start letting other people develop their own opinions about you, a lot of room is freed up for other things besides the worry of how horrible you look to other people. It's pretty freeing.
So while I think what dove did is actually really awesome, I don't think they made the message clear enough. I think it does, to most people, feel like more of a - you're more beautiful than you think you are - than an - other people don't see me the same way I see myself - sort of thing. I think it was a good try, and I hope they keep trying because we really need more people to get these messages out to help combat all the you're not good enough, buy our stuff to be better crap we get flung at us from all directions all the time.
I know I'm still working on it myself, but I hope so much that someday we can change these stigmas of thin=beautiful and you have to be popular and have designer clothes and a clear face and a huge house and the best stuff to be loved. Because just being the happiest, best you, is the most beautiful thing in the world, at least to me :)
TTFN
First, I want to look at what Miriam Webster has to say about beauty.
Miriam Webster's Dictionary defines beauty as:
1. the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit
Now, A lot of critics are saying how damaging this ad is because they are still focusing on outward appearance as the main focus of the experiment. As in Oh hey I thought I was a dog but I guess other people don't see me that way, I must judge myself too harshly. While really the point should be there is a lot more to me than my outer appearance. While I agree that there is a lot more to people than their appearance, I think appearance is important as well.
Think about this......How many times have you gone all out, gotten all dolled up, and felt horrible and worthless afterwards? I know every time I get dressed up and fancy(as long as it's not too far out of my comfort zone) it makes me feel pretty awesome. Yet when you frump around the house in oversized sweats and holy shirts, your chances of feeling bad about yourself increase significantly. I don't think this has a single thing to do with the way you look when you're dressed up, though. I think it has to do with caring for yourself.
When you love something and care for it, you keep it polished, and pretty. Wether it is your dog, a favorite trinket, or anything else that is special. Why should your own self be any different? When you spend time on yourself to groom yourself and look good it's a very human way to show yourself that you are special and loved.
So then the question becomes, do other peoples opinions of what you look like matter?
This is a tougher question for me to answer. I think for people with high enough self esteem the answer to this is obviously no. But for those with little to no self esteem, that deem themselves worthless, I think it's important for them to know how people really see them. Again the reasoning is not what it seems. It's not because it's important for them to know that others find them attractive. Not at all. What's important about it is that most people with these self esteem issues project their opinions of themselves onto other people. An" I feel this way about me so everybody else feels the same way about me too". I think it's important for them to see that this is not reality. When you start letting other people develop their own opinions about you, a lot of room is freed up for other things besides the worry of how horrible you look to other people. It's pretty freeing.
So while I think what dove did is actually really awesome, I don't think they made the message clear enough. I think it does, to most people, feel like more of a - you're more beautiful than you think you are - than an - other people don't see me the same way I see myself - sort of thing. I think it was a good try, and I hope they keep trying because we really need more people to get these messages out to help combat all the you're not good enough, buy our stuff to be better crap we get flung at us from all directions all the time.
I know I'm still working on it myself, but I hope so much that someday we can change these stigmas of thin=beautiful and you have to be popular and have designer clothes and a clear face and a huge house and the best stuff to be loved. Because just being the happiest, best you, is the most beautiful thing in the world, at least to me :)
TTFN
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