It's late, and my head is spinning

I hate what elections bring out in me. I've been thinking about so much since the results began to be posted yesterday. For one thing I'm really damn glad Pelosi has been knocked off her throne. I can't stand that woman. I've mostly been thinking about partisanship......and how this political shtuff works......and I know it's necessary for our country to function but I HATE it. I hate the far right, I hate the far left, I hate that they label themselves instead of standing up for what they, individually believe in and have a vague party label. I hate the fact that more and more of our politicians, no matter what their party affiliation, have their own agenda and don't really give a crap about America and Americans and what it even means to be an American. Instead it is a game of dollar signs. I don't trust any of them and I don't really want to vote for any of them because I don't believe in any of them. It is just a lesser of two evils.

It makes me want to cry to even think of my children's future. For one thing what the hell are schools going to look like in another ten or even twenty years. We keep throwing more and more money at them and yet things still keep getting worse and worse. My personal belief is it is because people are greedy and won't put in what it really takes to get results and/or because they don't believe they are paid enough. Don't get me wrong, I think teachers are wonderful people and I have met some amazing ones in my lifetime, but are some/a lot of them just quieting their consciences by telling themselves they are doing a good thing by being a teacher and getting paid a crappy salary, therefore they don't go above and beyond because it's not in their contract and they are already doing a good thing? I don't know, but I'd bet there are at least some out there.

Another thing about schools that drives me crazy is shit like this......We have like 5 schools on the chopping block in Fort Collins, yet others have 52 inch flat screens in every classroom to replace overhead projectors. TECHNOLOGY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO EDUCATION!!!! I understand that kids need to use it but geez people there is absolutely nothing wrong with overhead projectors. How much money is that, that could have gone to another school that needed it for basic funding.

Look at how much our country is in debt. I feel like that pretty much says we don't even own our country anymore. Trillions of dollars is a bit ridiculous. Then again I have a couple of thousand on my credit card and I hyperventilate. It reminds me of a saying. When you find yourself in a hole what's the first thing you do? STOP DIGGING! Granted I know our country needs to spend money to operate but what is the point in passing stimuluses and other Government aid when it isn't really even coming from them. Then they just make it harder on everyone else when they raise taxes to try to pay for it. I feel like I have been taxed into a black friggin hole. Eventually I'm going to wonder what's going to be left for me to live on. It seriously scares me.

Ok I know I sound like a rightist right now and I guess to an extent I am. I can't help it. I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. It's their job to protect our rights and liberties. I feel like they're just taking more and more of them away. Telling me nobody has the right to be who they are except the people who are struggling and discriminated against. I want to help people who are struggling and discriminated against, I want to fight for them, but I want it to be of my own free will, not what the government wants to make me do.

I don't want them to tell me it is the law that I have to have health care, I want to do it because it is the best thing for me. I don't want them to parent me. If I want to pay for medical services out of my pocket who the hell are they to stop me. I understand there are people out there that need it and can't afford it but look at what we already have in place. A hospital cannot deny anybody care that is not in stable condition, wether they have coverage or not.

I guess what I'm saying is there are ways for people already to get what they need. So why not focus on helping people who need it figure that out. Help them help themselves. Encourage people to stand on their own two feet. I think there are some government programs that do things like this that are great.

I guess I just really think the meaning of being free is changing. Hard work doesn't pay off as much anymore. You can actually get farther on handouts and it is (but not to me) socially acceptable.....and that is sad.

How is it that more and more people are going to college and getting higher education yet they say we're falling behind other countries, that we're just not cutting it?

And just working hard won't get you through college. You HAVE to go into debt just to get through college. Why does money have to be in the equation to be happy. How is it that nobody that is poor is ever shown as happy or fulfilled and ALWAYS shown in need of help? I just can't see that as being true. You can be the happiest person in the world and live in a cardboard box. I believe that.

I have so many more questions than I have answers for and it really pisses me off that everything seems so much more complicated than it needs to be sometimes. Notice please that I said SEEMS, not IS. I'm sure when you get down to the root of it, it is all very simple. But I don't think I will ever see that root because of all the twists to the truth that get people paid that cover up that root. I don't have a problem with people making money. I just want them to be honest and do so, and I feel like that doesn't always happen. In fact I'm pretty sure it happens more than any of us probably want to even believe.

And don't even get me started on the higher than god asshole rightists that have the money and think they are entitled to their money and don't want to share it with anybody. Ok that's just how I view some people that have a lot of money. Like I said I don't think it's the government's job to play Robin Hood. I think these people are greedy assholes and if they even took a quarter of what they have and gave it to somebody or many somebody's that need something, they would really make a difference to somebody. I just don't know why anybody think that in order to be happy everybody needs to be brought up to the same level. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my opinion. In fact I think they have more of a problem with themselves than anybody at a lower level has.

I guess in the end I just want my kids to be able to grow up happy and free. I want them to be able to pursue their dreams and I don't want anybody telling them what that should be. I want them, and everybody, to be able to accept and be comfortable with everybody in life from the white middle class, to gays, to the poor, to the rich, to the disabled. To know that they don't have to feel guilty for being who they are, even if that means they are the gay, or the homophobic white middle class. EVERYBODY has a place in our society, and I don't think that is clearly stated anywhere. ESPECIALLY in government. Nobody is really embracing our differences in my opinion.

Anyways if you actually make it this far in my post thanks for listening to my rant. I know it probably didn't make sense I just needed to try to put into words some of the questions on my mind and how I feel about things. And if you don't agree with me I hope it's ok with you that I have a differing opinion. After all, how boring would it be if we all felt the same?

TTFN

Settling into Autumn

I've been saying for the past month I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for fall. I don't want the colder weather or naked trees or shorter days. But then something happened today. I was walking through whole foods with my uberly adorable little man (who is the BEST little boy in the world when he is not teething and cranky) and I walked past a display and smelled fall spices. The cinnamon and nutmeg reset my brain, and suddenly I am excited for fall. I am excited to bake pumpkin pie. I am excited for the holidays and the beauty of the changing trees. I'm especially excited for apples to be in season again. It's hard for me to admit that I'm ok leaving summer behind now because I love it so much, but I am. I'll still anticipate it's return next year, but for now I'm beginning to welcome autumn with open arms. The door is still shut tight on old man winter, though!

TTFN

I just realized I only have 1 follower on my blog. I know I don't write very often anyway but it really makes me think "why the hell am I even doing this"? I guess I have that same question for a lot of things in my life. Maybe I'm just feeling very lonely today, but it seems to me like the only people who care about me in my life (besides my immediate family) are people I pay to care. My doctor and my shrink. I mean hell I know I don't need a ton of people in my life to be happy, but in all honesty I think I have one friend that really cares and spends the time to make our friendship work. ONE. One person that I am not related to that really feels like being around me. I have never been the type of person that wants a lot of friends and I value what I have but I guess what I have right now just feels really damn lonely to me.

TTFN

Bittersweet

The end of summer is already upon us. It is a bittersweet ending for me. Summer is my favorite time of year. I love being able to go outside whenever I want and not freezing my butt off. The official end of summer is still a month out and the weather is already considerably cooler. I don't feel ready to let go of my hot summer months yet. On the other hand fall is a wonderful time of year. We have so much to look forward to. Riley is going to be starting her second year of preschool. Jack is going to be starting his own class called curious two's. It's an hour away from mom and dad twice a week. We are planning a lot to do around the house before winter. But it's still SO hard to let go of the weather. I'm not ready for the cold of winter, but I can't wait for the holidays. I feel like such a mess!

On another note Jack is almost two years old. I can't believe it has already been that long since my baby boy was born. I feel like I am losing the baby years, and this is another very bittersweet time for me.

I love my little boy. I love the person he is becoming. He is already potty training, he is smart, and very very VERY strong willed. But I miss my baby. He was my last baby. I am mostly certain there will not be another one. Our family is complete. And I feel an empty space that there will not be any more babies to grow in my belly, meet for the first time, and stay up late at night feeding. I know it sounds crazy that I actually enjoyed that stuff, but there is nothing like being half awake, cuddling with your little one, rocking and feeding them, and feeling that warm little bundle in your arms. Knowing that they depend on you for everything they need, and you love them so much that you don't think twice about doing it. I can't wait to seem him grow and see the person he becomes. But I don't want to let go of my baby.

And speaking of babies I was looking at pictures of Riley as a baby last night. Sometimes it's already hard for me to think back to how small she was. She is already halfway to 5 years old. These past 4 and a half years have gone by SO fast. And I guess it doesn't help that for most of it I have been battling my own demons which just takes more time away. She is SUCH an amazing, awesome, and frustrating little girl! She isn't even in her second year of preschool yet and she is already a pretty proficient reader. She is the most loving and forgiving little soul I have ever met in my life. The other day we got to go shopping together, just the two of us, and we both had such a great time. Sometimes I miss having just her all to myself, so those moments help a lot.....and I definitely need to remember to get more of them in. She is growing up way too fast. They both are.

Now it is time to go and get the most out of the next month that I possibly can. The kids and I are going to squeeze the life out of the end of summer and enjoy every single moment.

TTFN

Impending Changes

I'm trying to just take a deep breath and take life as it comes. It's amazing how much having an eating disorder can make you feel schizophrenic. Sometimes I feel like there are two different people living in my body. As much as I'm told it's a part of recovery it makes me feel totally crazy at times.

I was thinking that it's time to make some changes to my routine and daily life. These are not going to come easy for me but I KNOW it's the best thing for me to do. I just don't know how to start. I don't exactly want to say what the changes are so it's hard to explain them, but they will be things that are going to take time and patience to implement. On the other hang it's partly just jumping. Just doing what I need to do. When I think about that part of it I just feel frozen. Like I told a friend the other day, implementing it may just take somebody holding my hand and doing it with me. It's not my ideal way but somehow it has to be done.

On another note I am officially in my late 20's. And honestly this is the first time in my life I have ever had a problem with my age. I feel old and washed up. I dunno I am sure there have to be good things about getting older, I just haven't found them yet. I did have a pretty awesome birthday. I got my nose pierced and we went to a friends party. They even sang happy birthday to me. I don't think that has happened in years. I felt pretty special.

Oh well it's a beautiful day out so I'm going to go do the dishes so that I can go outside with the kids later. TTFN

- BASIL AND SPICE MIND AND BODY - (5/2010) Eating Disorder Recovery: Easier On The Other Side

- BASIL AND SPICE MIND AND BODY - (5/2010) Eating Disorder Recovery: Easier On The Other Side

I just had a conversation with someone I used to know that I really didn't think even remember I existed at all. This has me thinking. Of what I'm not yet sure....I guess that's why I'm here.

Ok I need to start by explaining that I am an extremely and deeply emotional person. If you know of the enneagram personality types I am a 4. What that means is everything is ruled by my emotions. Logic is an extremely difficult concept for me and I find it hard to understand how people make decisions NOT based on how they FEEL about something.

That said, The people in my life are very dear to me. Both past and present, wether or not the ones in the past are still in my life or not. The person that I talked to this evening was a person I knew in high school. Granted I did not know him very well. We did not hang out a lot and I'm pretty sure we never had a very deep conversation about anything. He was not exactly the most serious person in the world and so was not taken very seriously by others around ME. But I saw something in him that I can't really put into words. Something a lot deeper than he ever showed on the outside. I felt like I understood him on the inside I guess. Therefore he left a very deep and lasting impact on me.

But like I said, even though he left an impact on me, I didn't think he even remembered I existed until tonight. And it's left me wondering about the impact I have, and have had, on other peoples lives. I wonder is it really just my lack of self-esteem that tells me I have nothing to leave others with? But seriously I wonder why people like him even remember me. I was just a passing blip in their lives that came and went without a second thought. Or so I believed. But just the fact that this one person remembered me.....and said hello....and had a conversation with me.......just turns it all upside down. I am just so amazed by it. I dunno.

I read an article today by Jenni Schaefer about Eating Disorder recovery that gives some good insight to just how hard and long a process recovery really is. I am one year in and still dancing with ED. It is such an exhausting dance. Anyways I kinda wanted to share it just because I think people will benifit from the information. So I posted it as a seperate blog entry. Jenni Schaefer is an amazing person. She inspires me. This article I think more than anything I have read of hers thus far gives me SO much hope.

Well that's about all I have for now. I am going to go downstairs and ponder self esteem and life and relationships while I try to go to sleep. It's a good thing I see my counselor tomorrow!
TTFN

Sighhhhhh.......

I can't sleep. GAH! Life really blows right now. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Everything is a damn mess right now. I feel like I have screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. I've relapsed BADLY. I'm not eating much. Kevin is PISSED at me because of it. I am scared. I don't know what to do.

I just wish somebody close to me understood what this feels like. I try so hard to talk and tell people how I'm feeling and nobody really gets it. I know they understand the feelings that I have....fear, anxiety, anger, terror......but nobody close to me really gets what this feels like inside. The depth of these emotions and the grip ED has on me. The fact that it's the only thing I can do that DOESN'T invoke the deep emotions that rule my life.

I was reading an old diary a while ago and something struck me. I had something in those entries that I don't have anymore. I had.....self esteem.....and hope. I don't know when that changed. Heck I don't even know what made it change. But it changed none the less. It's so crippling it's hard for me to even get through a single day at home alone with the kids, much less 5 in a row. I dunno, I think for now I'm going to go TRY to rest so I can be up with the kids tomorrow. I'll update soon.

TTFN

When I say I feel lonely I don't mean that there's nobody that is there for me. I don't mean that I feel all alone in this world because I don't. Not in that way anyways. When I say I feel lonely I mean that I feel like nobody else in this world will understand the hell I feel inside of me on a daily basis and I don't think I will ever be able to explain it to anybody. I feel alone because I don't want anybody else to understand. I feel like a total failure at life. This is never going to go away and the more I try to fight it the more I feel like I lose the good parts of myself. I feel angry....all the time. I feel angry and mad and sad and lonely. Anyhoo just a small rant. Sorry I'm so down. Maybe soon I'll have something more upbeat to report on.

TTFN

I'm really frustrated with things right now. Mostly myself I guess. I'm not even sure what the truth is anymore. I'm freaking out about my weight. I dunno. Kevin says I'm still not to where I should be yet. I know the Dr. told me the last time I was there that my weight was better than it was before....which I guess to me says I'm where I "should be". I know I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is a disgusting fat blob. I think about it all the time. I want to cry all the time. Hell I don't even know why I am posting this. I probably shouldn't be, but I guess I am. I guess I am tired of trying to look normal....to FEEL normal....because I DON'T FEEL NORMAL! I mean logically, in my head, I know that I will always feel fat no matter what. But in my heart I know that if I just get back to where I was before I would feel SO much better about my body. I just want to be able to look normal. But I also want to be loved. And I guess I have come to know in my heart that when I'm worrying about all of this is when I am ugly, and not loved. It's like when everyone else loves me, I can't love myself. But when I feel proud of myself and feel like I might be able to love myself, nobody else loves me. I just wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. It's like a vice squeezing my brain. It hurts so badly all the damn time. I just want to scream and throw a fit. I am so scared. I have a little girl. She depends on me to help her with everything including forming an opinion of herself. If she ever feels this way about herself how would I live with that? She is SUCH a beautiful little girl. How could I ever make her feel like it's even remotely ok to hate herself. I dunno. I just feel hopeless. I feel like I am just going to be stuck with this forever. I guess I just needed to vent. To hopefully make someone realize that it's not worth it to hate your body. Whatever it may be. Ok well I am done for now. Hopefully my next post will be a little more uplifting.

TTFN

Is it me?

YAY! My wonderful, loving, ever considerate husband brought me home a loaner computer from work while we figure out the best way to get mine fixed so that I am not computerless anymore. Although I do have to say that not having a computer has probably been one of the best things for me in my recovery (though I really hate to admit it) and I really want to continue to not rely on it and hide behind it. So I have put that out there and holding you accountable to hold me accountable to not do that. k.
Now that that's out of the way where do I start?? I'm in a very strange place in my recovery right now. I can see and pretty much easily recognize what is good for me and what is not......yet I still basically throw fits over the fact that I cannot do or partake in the stuff that is not good for me. This does by no means have to do with food, mind you. This is anything from the people I surround myself with to the things I choose to look up on the internet or just what I decide to give my time and attention to. To give you an example, I had a friend from highschool on my facebook page for a while. She very recently had a kid. VERY recently. Anyways she posted a status about how much she LOVED what she was seeing on the scale. I decided to speak out because I didn't feel this was right. I commented to her and told her not to let her self worth be dictated by a number on a piece of metal, and that she was a good person of how high or low that number is. I was REALLY proud of myself for this and just the fact that I spoke out at all was a HUGE thing for me. So she comments back to me and TOTALLY ignored everything I posted to her and just started gushing.....directly to me this time.....about how much she LOVES the number on the scale and she has not seen it since seventh grade, but still needs to tone up blah blah blah.......I walked away and ED (Eating Disorder) was beating me over the head with a stick ALL day after that. The next day lo and behold she posts pictures of how she looks a week post-baby. I had to delete her as a friend. I had to tell myself that this is not healthy for me. She is trying to get attention for what she looks like and this is exactly what I am trying to get away from. Yet I still feel bad that I did it and I am beating myself up for the fact that I can't handle that stuff. I feel like I am a bad person or something. So that's where I am with THAT.
On another note the kiddos are doing WONDERFUL. We went to Riley's parent teacher conference this morning. The kid is a genius. They grade them on different criteria using 3 different grades. NY(not yet) S (Sometimes, Progressing) and R (Ready, Does Consistently). Of course they have the different things they grade them on....everything from gross motor skills to following directions and reading and writing etc. She got ALL R's. Her teachers say that rarely ever happens. We are SO proud of her. She is challenging in the fact that she is a perfectionist though. She won't even TRY to do something if she is not confident that she can do it right. That can be very frustrating at times.
Jack is such a boy. He is 18 months old now and he is all over the place. I can't keep up with him. He is into everything. He is adorable though. We have been learning to sign with him more because he is male, and communication is just not a strong point. He is picking up the signing pretty well, but he is starting to talk more too. It is still just one word here and there and he still screams and points a lot but I'm sure we'll get there eventually.
Yoga is going very well for me and it's probably the one thing I have for me right now that I am absolutely loving. I'm just going twice a week right now because I have to find time where I will have babysitters and kevin will be home and such, but I think I am going to take the kids to the child care so I will be able to go at least one more day a week, so that is exciting.
Kevin is going out of town next week and Riley is on spring break so we will have all week to ourselves. I need to go feed the kiddos and get Riley to her play date now so I'm sure I will be back frequently this week, but that's all I've got for now. TTFN.