I don't write anymore. I can't remember my last post on here without looking. So why am I doing this now? Who knows. I just gotta get it out I guess.
The end of 2015 was fantastic. I finished my first semester of Vet Tech school and damn-it I did GOOD. We bought an electric car which is pretty damn cool. I felt like I was finally at a point I might be able to call myself recovered. Everyone was healthy(minus kevin's cold) and I was in love with this life I was settling into. Then 2016 came around and from the first day shit's just been hard.
Winny came down with a limp on her left hindlimb on the 31st. We took her to the vet who took x-rays and said there was a possibility she might have a lytic lesion on the head of her femur. I spent the next week until the radiologist looked at the x-ray worrying myself sick. Upon further investigation of lytic lesions I found out that they're generally due to osteosarcoma......bone cancer......and while the head of the femur isn't a common place to find one they do generally occur in long bones. That was a bad week. The radiologist finally looked at the x-rays on the 6th and determined that there is no lesion there THANK GOD. And while my Winny-Girl is healthy, she's also old. She turned 12 years old on the 2nd and this whole experience has brought me to a point of having to come to terms with her eventual mortality. I'm still wondering if we'll see another birthday. She's my baby and whenever the time comes I will let her go, but mentally I'm not at peace with that yet. I don't know if I ever will be. Is it futile to try? Am I causing myself unneeded stress focusing more on that than the time I have left with her? I guess that right there is why I need to write this. I haven't asked myself these questions yet.
So right after we get the news about winny, and I mean RIGHT after.....30 minutes later to be exact, I'm sitting in the vet's office with Brogan who is limping on his right hind limb. I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. Even though he was obviously in pain the little shit was being so stoic about it that I couldn't even illicit a pain response from him when I tried to figure out where the pain was coming from. Hip? Back? Stifle(Knee)? Ankle? Nothing......The doctor even had a hard time getting him to react to anything. But after much poking and prodding and a couple of x-rays we determined it to be a cruciate ligament injury in his knee. Only stretched or partially torn at this point thank goodness. We have him on anti-inflammitories and rest and have a good chance of getting it to heal without surgery which would be wonderful.
Ok so 2 dogs in 6 days with vet visits, x-rays, and prescription medications........I'm surprised my credit card didn't melt by the time we were done with the vet's office. Which is a whole other stressor to add into the mix.....finances. It always stresses me out when I have to spend money. Be it on myself, the kids, the dogs, the house, whatever. Amounts don't matter either. I have a really hard time even bringing myself to buy my kids a cookie once in a while. I know it's something that I need to work on but I hate dealing with finances so I leave Kevin in charge of our bank accounts which doesn't help me any because then I end up feeling like a kid asking for money all the time. I've got nothing on this one......no way to even begin to try to fix it........it frustrates me just thinking about it.
A couple days after all of the stuff with the dogs I got some very sad and unexpected news. I always talk to another parent when I'm standing outside waiting to pick up the kids. He and I have been chatting out front for years. I've met his kids and his wife several times and he's really nice people. Well I found out that his wife passed away from a heart attack on the 3rd. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know her well but I knew her enough that I said hello in passing and we recognized each other and chatted on occasion. She was 49 years old. I'm sad she's gone. But for me it also brings up a lot of fear because honestly that is probably my greatest fear in life......Dying while my kids are young. I honestly can't fathom it. And then yesterday I found out that her heart attack stemmed from an elective cosmetic surgery procedure she had done after Christmas. That really punched me in the gut and won't leave me at peace. I'm sad that she felt she had to go to such lengths to fit society's definition of beauty, and I'm pissed at society for making her feel as though she had to go to such lengths to fit in. After everything I've been through recovering from anorexia and then have someone die trying to fit beauty standards I've worked so hard to reject? I just can't wrap my head around it.
I had another experience with the animal shelter I volunteer at that has made me question some things as well but that's not something I can really get into here.
And then David Bowie died......more death and sadness
At the beginning of every year I think about what I want to get out of that year. 2015 was my year of education. I'm not ready for that to end so I've decided that 2016 will be my year of education and connection. There's a lot that goes in to connection, but I know what all it entails, and I think if I can just get through this rough patch it's going to turn out to be an amazing year.
I hope balance will find me soon and I won't be overwhelmed with all of the rough stuff for too much longer. I know they say when it rains it pours but I'm over monsoon season and ready for a little sunshine to peek through the clouds.
TTFN
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